So, who has the best frozen coffee drink?

It’s winter in the United States, and while that may mean something different in California than it does in, say, Maine, it’s still cold. The Chicagoan in me hangs his head in shame as the 50-degree temperatures feel like a polar vortex to my nowtender skin.

And what better time, honestly, than when there’s a chill in the weather to do a round-up of slushy, freezing-cold, blended coffee beverages? You may know them as Frappuccinos, Ice Blendeds, Frozen Coffees or one of a number of different monikers; I simply know them as an answer to the question: How can I turn my morning cup of coffee into dessert?

To reiterate, before my email inbox burns to the ground: This is not about coffee or iced coffee drinks. This is specifically about frozen coffee drinks, those with a texture like a Slurpee or granita.

This is by no means an exhaustive survey, but I tried 45 different kinds of these puppies and eight distinct brands, so I feel like I have a good lay of the land. That, and I’ve ingested so much sugar, I’m more hopped up than a craft brewery in San Diego. I have not ranked these strictly by best to worst but rather have thrown them into loose categories: the good, the not so bad and the ugly.

Most of the Krispy Kreme frozen lattes

I have good news and bad news. The good news is that, yes, it’s doughnut specialist Krispy Kreme, of all places, that makes some of the best frozen coffee drinks you’ll find in all the land. They’ve figured out the texture perfectly — it’s creamy but not so thick you can’t sip it through a straw. It’s suitably slushy but doesn’t veer into excessively icy.

Now the bad news: Two flavors I absolutely loved, peppermint mocha and hazelnut, you may not be able to enjoy anytime soon. Peppermint mocha is a holiday flavor, and during a phone call to my local Krispy Kreme store, I was told — heartbreakingly, tragically told — that hazelnut would be discontinued sometime in January.

So here’s a brief eulogy for those flavors: R.I.P. hazelnut Frozen Latte. You actually tasted like a smooth, mild-roasted chocolate Ferrero Rocher candy instead of a mouthful of Coffee-mate. You will be missed. Peppermint mocha, we hardly knew ye. You had a potent mint punch and sweetness that didn’t overpower. I felt like I could, and wanted to, drink an entire one of these. Hope to see you again in slightly under a year.

But let’s end on a positive note. You won’t go wrong with any regularly available Krispy Kreme flavors, like caramel, mocha and vanilla. They’re nicely blended, balanced and flavorful without clobbering you with sucrose.

Dutch Bros. Cocomo Freeze

Coffee chain Dutch Bros., with a cute little windmill logo, has hundreds of locations nationwide. If you happen to be near one, consider stopping by. Dutch Bros.’ take on the slushy coffee drink, called a Dutch Freeze, is excellent. The Cocomo has a mild, nutty coconut flavor