New Year's resolution: Better interaction with others
SAN DIEGO >> What's my New Year's resolution for 2024?
It's personal. Seriously. It literally deals with my personal life. After decades of making resolutions based on professional goals, I'm changing course.
This year, instead of looking ahead, I'm looking inward. When someone engages in introspection, half the payoff comes in learning what you're good at. The other half is recognizing areas of improvement.
The part of me that needs a tuneup has to do with my interaction with others. I need to be more present, listen more intently, be more curious and make more of an effort to extract something that most people are eager to share: their stories.
As a journalist, that should come easy. It did for me, once upon a time. I used to ask questions of everyone I met, as I went searching for my next story. I also served on the editorial boards of two newspapers, a job where you have to be opinionated without being obnoxious.
But for the past 14 years,
I've been self-employed. Working from home, I have fewer occasions to interact with fellow humans. My social skills are weaker than they used to be. I could tell you that I miss socializing with people, but I'd be lying. For the most part, I'm good.
Some people don't buy it, because of what I do for a living. I have a national column, create media content, host a podcast, record video commentary and give speeches around the country. Can a person like that also be, at moments, shy and withdrawn?
Sure. I'm proof. I maintain a public persona, but I'm a private person. When I'm done giving a speech, I can't wait to leave. A few years ago, I was speaking to a farm group in Santa Barbara. There was a reception beforehand. My wife was mingling and working her way through the crowd when she spotted me. I was standing in a corner behind a potted plant, trying not to be seen.
As to how I got here, there were several factors. A journalist is usually also a writer, and writing can be a lonely business.
There was also covid. It took a global pandemic and the shuttering of schools, movie theaters and amusement parks to teach me that I didn't need to socialize with people.
In an essay published in 2022, I recalled what life was like during the pandemic. “I was becoming more and more comfortable with being alone, apart, even anti-social,” I wrote. “I stayed connected to a few people through phone calls, and video conferencing. But, as time went on, I missed the direct physical contact of work lunches or neighborhood parties less and less. It got to the point where, eventually, I craved the quiet and isolation of being locked up.”
This is a far cry from the ways of my 82-year-old father. The former law enforcement officer has great emotional intelligence and still loves interacting with people. As the saying goes, my dad never met a stranger. And he always stressed to me the importance of what he calls “people power” — what today people would call “networking.”
It's also foreign to my wife, who attracts friends like flowers attract bees. She was climbing the walls during the covid lockdown, eager to get out and socialize with various groups of friends. As an extrovert, she gets nourishment from being around others. She likes people, and they enjoy being around her.
Still, as someone with introvert instincts, I sense that I'm not alone. Many people's social skills have withered and waned.
It's one of the things that led David Brooks to write his new book, “How To Know A Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen.” The columnist writes: “There is one skill that lies at the heart of any healthy person, family, school, community organization, or society: the ability to see someone else deeply and make them feel seen — to accurately know another person, to let them feel valued, heard, and understood.” But people don't do this well, Brooks notes.
There are a lot of high-achieving folks out there who don't know how to relate to others. Some of the socially awkward are billionaires dueling on social media. A few of them are running for president.
Like I said, I'm good. But I could be better. I'm ready to make a change. So this year, I intend to do what I can to know people better — and let them know me. The payoff, I expect, will be immense.