Fangs For Hire

Rent an animal pal to do your bidding. Yes, really.

Roger the Belligerent Labrador $ 50 per day

Nature’s budget predator for a budget price. While reliably dickish in bounding into enemies or barking at them, there’s also a 50% chance Roger will be distracted by a biscuit—hence the discount price on his erratic services.

Monkey ( David) Riding A Moose (Clive) $ 8,000 per day

Betrayed by their own in the jungle, this monkey fashioned a saddle out of bamboo, and now rides his PTSD-ridden moose friend into battle. While neither are trained in the use of firearms, the monkey’s obscene shrieks operate at the exact frequency that causes an enemy militia to void their bowels.

Gary the Sniper Bear $ 11,200 per day

This grizzled and grizzly mercenary has overcome his lack of opposable thumbs, and now operates a Springfield M25 sniper rifle with a horrifying 95% accuracy ratio. His rates are high, and he smokes 40 cigars a day—invoiced back to you, the client, of course—but he’s worth it.

Stabby the Crabbie $ 5,000 per day

A strafing expert that’s hard to hit. His armored shell can deflect sand and pebbles (but not bullets, he’s a crab), and he comes armed with a bowie knife gripped in each of his vice like claws. The shins of your enemies will know no peace.

Fred the Curious Stoat $ 4,000 per day

An infiltration specialist well versed in low-light reconnaissance. Point him at a target, and he’ll effortlessly slip up their trouser leg, sowing chaos and confusion among the ranks and in the pants. Fred is a master of all seams, from the wide-open flair, to the slim cut jean.

Guerrilla the Gorilla $ 5 per day

When Guerrilla’s agent got in touch, we were so impressed with the name that we shipped him over from Rwanda. But you know what? He doesn’t do anything. He’s just a dumb gorilla who sits there and eats grapes. But hey, if that’s what you want, we’re not going to stop you. That’s capitalism, baby!