“What is it with these people and their fluids?”
Overweening self confidence, GRAVEYARD KEEPER style
Possibly drunk on the success of getting the latest edition of the magazine to the printer, I decided that not only was I acing my current job, but I probably had the bandwidth to excel at multiple other jobs too. Striking while the iron was hot meant applications and interviews were out of the question—too time-consuming. Instead I turned to my game libraries. Which is how I came to be a games journalist, an aquarium tycoon, an executive healthcare director, a graveyard keeper (unrelated to the healthcare business, I swear), and a vineyard owner. My business cards are now printed on A4 paper.
The aquarium side of things is going swimmingly via my Megaquarium save files. I am the queen of fishy visitor experiences, give or take some unfortunate predator/prey incidents and a bit of starvation (both for fish and visitors deprived of vending machines).
Healthcare is more dicey. My Two Point Hospital empire involves a squad of student doctors struggling to keep up with the area’s desire for fluid analysis. What is it with these people and their fluids? The hospital building is also freezing so if I don’t keep up with radiator placement everyone starts shivering.
Graveyard keeping should have been the easiest prospect. Or at least the one with the least complainants. Alas Graveyard Keeper is sufficiently wonky that I’ve managed to lose an item which bestows ownership of an allotment. Without the ability to produce carrots, my gravekeeping career seems untenable, despite an abundance of harvested blood. What is it with corpses and their fluids?
The vineyard is my nemesis. Mostly because I only have the free demo of Terroir, so I’ve only been able to muck about with Chardonnay and Cabernet Sauvignon.
I managed a fabulous bottle of Cab Sauv after getting to grips with the methods by which you tweak acidity and tannins—critics loved it! Far better than that muck I’d concocted while the vineyard went through a fungal rot phase. But then the game asked that I buy the full version. What about all the bottles of Pipvine Cabernet Sauvignon 2021 in my cellar? People need these fluids!
Jack of all trades
I could scale back, but I’m convinced that these games are teaching me valuable skills. I’m close to believing that I could operate a vineyard. I’m 87% certain I could run a successful aquarium. I’m 100% convinced I would be the greatest gravekeeper the world has ever known. And if I marry my Two Point career with that week I spent doing work experience at a real hospital in 2001, I’m the obvious candidate to rescue the NHS.
“But Pip, none of this is real!” you might say. A fair point, but 1) I can’t hear you because this is a magazine, and 2) a character in Animal Crossing Pocket Camp just offered to give me a reference as a camp site manager. At least SOMEONE believes in me.
I’m convinced that these games are teaching me valuable skills
My true calling.
It’s a living. Ironically.