Parenting: An exercise in self-discipline

Just recently one of my elder children was watching and listening to a younger sibling with amusement. She quizzically smiled and said: “And to think I thought I was so old when I was his age.”

Funny how aging changes your perspective, isn’t it?

I very clearly remember my grandmother turning 50, and then my mother, and now, I’m past that. I don’t think I seem as old as they did, but I’m sure we’ve all thought that.

As I watch my elder daughters parent, I remember the days when my children were young. I read many books on parenting. I was probably proud and foolish and believed I knew it all. I probably brought much chagrin to my parents as they listened to me spout my words of great wisdom. Now, I must admit I know less than ever.

I’m so very proud of my daughters and sons. They’re doing a great job as parents (and aunts and uncles). They’ll make mistakes, we all do/did, but as long as they focus on loving their children and nurturing them and guiding them to be the best they can be, they’ll do well.

*** “Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories.” John Wilmot (1647-1680) That is so very true. When one has no children, it’s amazing what an authority one is on parenting.

I must honestly admit to judging others (at least mentally), and now humbly regret every judgmental thought.

For the past two and a half decades, three friends and I have walked this path of parenting together. Each of us began our families with daughters. And, as time went on, we eventually had sons. It’s funny how different boys and girls behave and think.

When I was in college in the ’70s, the teaching of psychologists was that we “culturalize” our children in their genders. We were told to give dolls to boys and trucks to girls, and provide “gender neutral” toys. Really?

Give some boys a doll, they’ll break the arm or leg off and make it a gun. A stick can become a weapon in the hands of a little soldier or cowboy.

Boys/men are different than women, and were designed to be different. They both have unique strengths and weaknesses and are designed to complement one another.

Years ago, four of us mothers were visiting while our children played nearby.

One mother had three girls. One had two girls and three boys then another girl. Another had four girls before having her two boys and then a girl. And I? I had six girls before having my first son.

The mother of only girls looked at the rest of us a little proudly and said: “It seems that mothers of girls spoil the boys when they have a boy.”

Oh, the retorts that leapt to the lips of the other three mothers.

Yes, when I had girls who stood quietly beside me while I visited with other mothers at church, and my friend with five sons allowed those boys to run all around, I quietly thought she should control them better. But, guess what? I’ve learned a thing or two in the past 28 years. It’s not that boys don’t need discipline. They do. But, boys are wired differently than girls.

And, within the genders, there are children wired differently.

The ultimate Scripture on parenting, Proverbs 22:6 states: “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

In Proverbs 27:32, it is written: “Know well the condition of your flocks, pay attention to your herds.”

Each child is different, unique. What works with one, won’t work with the next.

Parents do their children a disservice when they compare one child to another.

The author of one book I read said babies before six weeks old do not smile except for gas. Really? Who smiles at digestive discomfort? After raising nine children, each of whom is very, very different, I will tell you babies can smile very early. Babies of parents who are very attentive and interactive will interact earlier than those who are simply fed, changed and put in a swing or bed.

Too often today, I see children neglected because their parents are too self-centered. Technically, the children aren’t abused, but they aren’t given the attention they need to develop to their full potential. Parents tend to refer to high-need babies as “bad” and to quiet, undemanding babies as “good.”

It would be easy for a parent to characterize a demanding baby as “bad.” But, parenting is a time for parents to learn to give unselfishly again and again and again, a time for us to “die to self.” We parents must restrain ourselves from speaking or thinking resentfully about a demanding child.

“Children are apt to live up to what you believe of them,” said Lady Bird Johnson (1912-2007).

It grieves me to hear parents speak hatefully to children and I wish I could help those young parents to realize they will reap a bitter harvest from their unkind words.

“Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” (Colossians 3:21)

“Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)

And, “Pleasant words promote instruction.” (Proverbs 16:21)

Children are not a burden, but when we view them as such, they may become one.

“Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him.” (Psalm 127:3)

“The father of a righteous man has great joy; he who has a wise son delights in him.” (Proverbs 23:24)

“May the LORD make you increase, both you and your children. May you be blessed by the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.” (Psalm 115:14-15)

A dear friend (and wife of the former editor of this newspaper), Debbie Beisner, once said: “Parenting is for the sanctification of the parents. The children can become sanctified when they become parents.”

How true. If we would see parenting as a time to be what we want our children to become, to discipline ourselves in selfdenial, self-restraint, selfdiscipline, our children will reap great rewards. And we, we will raise great parents for our grandchildren!

••• Editor’s note: Annette Beard is the managing editor of The Times of Northeast Benton County. A native of Louisiana, she moved to this area in 1980. She has nine children, four sons-in-law, three grandsons, a granddaughter and another grandson due in September. She can be reached at abeard@nwaonline.com. The opinions of the writer are her own, and are not necessarily those of The Times.