Helicopters attack free range kids!

Last December, Danielle and Alexander Meitiv, a Maryland couple, let their kids, ages 10 and 6, walk down the sidewalk near their house all alone. This did not sit well with their neighbors. Cops were called, and national hysteria ensued. It seemed to settle down until this month when a concerned citizen spotted the Meitiv kids unaccompanied near a neighborhood park and called in Child Protective Services. For the past week, one issue has dominated the airwaves: How much suggested parental guidance is too much, or not enough?

The Meitivs are outspoken proponents of what’s known as “Free Range Parenting,” meaning they think kids should be left to their own devices. They think kids will grow up better without constant parental attention. Clearly, they need to get with the program, which is why I’m offering to set them straight: Dear Stupid, Stupid Meitivs, Give me a break! Your antiquated parenting style is outdated. It may have worked back in our parents’ days when “Free Range Parenting” was still known by its old school name, “Parenting.” But it’s now considered dangerous and chuckleheaded.

Modern, educated “Helicopter” parents understand that children must at all times be accompanied by an adult, either a parent, guardian, or, during the work week, by a complete stranger, undocumented and working under the table. An adult must always make all kids’ decisions for them, guide their every activity and offer words of encouragement, even when the child screws up.

Above all, the modern child must be scheduled. Every free moment must be filled with what’s known as an “Activity.” Only outmoded, uncompetitive kids “Play” anymore. Activities can be athletic, academic, or career-enhancing, but they must never, if possible, be any fun.

At minimum, today’s kid must be enrolled in a team sport. Average parents will settle for things like volleyball or soccer. But let’s be honest, Mr. and Mrs. M. Those sports doom kids to a life of average expectations and a career in middle management. More thoughtful parents choose elitist activities like lacrosse, tennis or equestrian sports (horse riding for you rubes out there). The sport should also include all-consuming private coaching, travel teams and expensive equipment, or it’s clearly not going to make your kid thrive. The more stress, the better.

Remember, you’ve got to break a few eggs to make an omelet. As parents, you must be ready to step in and make sure your child is named to the starting lineup, no matter how talented or motivated Junior might be. Coaches might act tough, but they’re no match for an angry, vindictive parent.

Modern kids also cannot be allowed to go through the school system on their own.

Schools these days focus only on learning, where “Helicopter” parents know the real goal is getting ahead, preparing them to crush future competitors into the dirt.

Private tutoring goes without saying, as does constant lobbying calls to schools to keep the pressure on teachers (the squeaky wheel gets the As!). (Special note: Teachers are even more vulnerable than coaches. A teacher can be made to cry in seconds.)

Standardized testing, such as the SATs, are meant to find out where your child ranks in the relative scheme of things, under normal circumstances so they can be placed in the right school. You must not allow this to happen, Mr. and Mrs. M.! Your tots can’t end up in the right school, they must end up in the BEST school! The modern teenager must be plumped and prodded with specialized training leading up to the SAT, even if it causes stress, so they do better than they would if you let the test truly measure natural ability. If Junior doesn’t puke before the SATs, he’s not taking it seriously enough. Think of it like a baseball player on steroids. It may cause long-term damage, but think of all those home runs!

I also note from reading news stories that both of you Meitivs are scientists. This explains a lot. Evidently you never got the memo. Modern Americans no longer believe in “Science.” As a matter of fact, if educational reforms continue as expected, science will be completely eliminated from the curriculum in the near future. You don’t want your children to grow up to be pariahs. Instead, encourage them to work toward careers that contribute to modern society. I suggest either sports management or reality television.

All of this must come as a shock to you, Mr. and Mrs. M. But you have to face facts.

You are free thinkers in a society where nothing is free anymore, especially not children.

Remember, if your kids don’t have ulcers by the age of 12, you’re not doing your job as parents! So get to it!