Playing poker against a computer does not compute
Sorry, but some things, like sex or poker, just don’t seem suitable for robots or computers or any sort of artificial intelligence.
We mention sex partly in the hope that it will boost readership of this column, as nothing else has worked, not even the time in 2004 when we promised a free cookie to everyone who made it to the end of the article. How were we to know that Oprah would steal our thunder with her own marketing stunt the very same day giving cars to her audience? (“You get a Chips Ahoy, and you get a Chips Ahoy … ” somehow never made it into the general lexicon.)
We’re also remembering the scene in the modern science-fiction film “Her” when a sort of futuristic phone sex takes place between the main character and the disembodied A.I. representation. Really, no A.I. life form has any more business indulging in sex with a person than does a congressman or priest — nothing good seems likely to come of it.
But putting a computer at the card table among a bunch of guys — or pokersavvy gals — is probably even worse.
These concerns arise because of what’s taking place at the Rivers Casino currently. A computer known as Claudico, from Carnegie Mellon University, is in the midst of a two-week poker challenge against four of the best human professionals playing Texas Hold’em.
While a few people might have focused over the weekend on sports or gambling trivialities like the Kentucky Derby and Mayweather-Pacquiao prize fight, what’s left of mankind’s shrinking pride was more importantly at stake on the North Shore in yet another man vs. machine matchup. And once again, that Oakland university that ought to be content to achieve recognition for its spring carnival is trying to prove what morons people are.
CMU helped humble humans in 1997 as Deep Blue defeated skin-and-flesh chess champion Garry Kasparov. CMU then helped make sure the computer Watson thrashed the best mortals at “Jeopardy” in 2011. And, of course, it’s at the forefront of developing cars that require no people behind the wheel.
This school evidently won’t be happy until humans have no role in the world other than to plug in computers and give them a good slap at times when they seem to be running slow.
The young poker players taking on Claudico, who themselves normally enjoy treating computers as a mere conduit for online poker against other humans, seem to understand what’s at stake.
“I hope we can stand up for humanity and take this computer down,” one said before the poker competition started. “I know computers will eventually be able to beat humans. But I hope we can make them go a few more rounds after this before they do.”
There was no record of what Claudico had to say about that, but any quote from it would probably have been something like: “You are such a stupid life form that my algorithms do not permit an appropriate response. But good luck to you, sir.”
Well, the joke’s on you, you incomprehensible collection of 1’s and 0’s with whom we don’t even want to have sex. Midway through the competition, Claudico was trailing the four-man team of males in their 20s who have good brains that they could have used to slave away at a prestigious research institution programming some of the most sophisticated software in the world. For some reason, they would rather have the chance to sit at home winning thousands of dollars from dumber clods online while drinking beer in pajamas.
Our worry is that if computers succeed in this and shove humans out of the poker equation, our monthly game with the boys will become a lot less fun. Right now, it’s a group of quirky individuals with moderately interesting backgrounds, occupations and opinions for whom lowstakes card-playing is a competitive excuse to socialize and discuss some of the absurdities of life.
If Claudico leads the way for his more hard-wired race, we fear someday holding cards, facing a group of computers around the table, commenting “Can you believe the Steelers didn’t take a cornerback with their first pick in the draft?” and getting only blank stares in response.