Checking if you’ve been following summer’s news

The last day of August is as good a time as any to check whether you’ve been following the news all summer.

If you haven’t been doing so, you’re probably a very relaxed, stress-free person, and shame on you. But regardless, please pick which answer best completes the following sentences:

1. The biggest threat to the safety of animals in 2015 comes from ...

a. Medical practitioners who take part in African safaris.

b. The Pittsburgh Zoo & PPG Aquarium’s procedures for care of elephants.

c. Surfers who punch sharks in the nose any time they come within striking distance.

d. Steelers backup quarterbacks.

2. The worst snub suffered by Pittsburgh this summer came in the form of ...

a. US Airways officials’ decision to bypass it in favor of all of the airline’s current hubs when taking one last ceremonial flight.

b. Macy’s announcing it would soon vacate Downtown property that had served as a major department store attracting shoppers to the city for more than a century.

c. Former U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum being denied participation in the first big Republican debate of the 2016 presidential campaign.

d. The lack of international media coverage given to the first Picklesburgh festival.

3. The record crowd that turned out for the U.S. women’s soccer team’s 8-0 defeat of Costa Rica at Heinz Field offered proof that ...

a. Local sports enthusiasts are ready to support high-level soccer if the team they root for is guaranteed to crush its opponent.

b. People will turn out to watch female athletes to the same extent as men if they’re wearing outfits that show a lot of leg.

c. By the time July rolls around, there is a lot of pentup demand to see something at Heinz Field on a Sunday afternoon.

d. Meghan Klingenberg’s friends and relatives will drive a half-hour from Richland to watch her do just about anything.

4. The Steelers will be missing many key players in their season opener against the Patriots because ...

a. A lot of unnecessary injuries occur in meaningless preseason games, due to the NFL’s obsession with maximizing revenue.

b. Drug violations and suspensions are a natural consequence of heaping so much money upon young men unprepared to handle fame and fortune responsibly.

c. The Rooneys are so sportsmanlike that they view it as the only fair way to play a New England Patriots squad that will be without quarterback Tom Brady due to the Deflategate scandal.

d. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, tired of being criticized of bias against the Steelers without anyone producing good evidence of it, decreed that this year they can only suit up half as many players as other teams for nationally televised games.

5. Attorney General Kathleen Kane’s best route out of the legal and political mess she’s gotten herself into would be to ...

a. Announce her resignation with an apology to any Pennsylvanians who feel she’s let them down by her actions.

b. Single-handedly produce a state budget quickly agreed to by Democratic Gov. Tom Wolf and Republican legislative leaders and hailed as the kind of efficient compromise Pennsylvanians have long awaited in Harrisburg.

c. Blame the “old boys’ network” in the state capital for everything from the overly jittery stock market to questionable use of fetal tissue to turning Atticus Finch into a KKK-supporting racist.

d. Deflect attention from her troubles by becoming the latest Democrat to criticize the proposed nuclear deal with Iran.

6. A lot of Pittsburghers are having less sex than usual this summer because ...

a. Women unhappy with the appearance of their overweight mates are all using the excuse now of waiting to get their hands on the Addyi pill to boost their sexual desire.

b. Everyone’s shut down their extramarital affairs due to worries that the Ashley Madison hacking scandal will result in personal embarrassment and financial exposure.

c. They’re worried state government officials will obtain sultry images of any of their bedroom activity and swap them widely via email.

d. Men obsessed with Root Sports telecasts of the Pirates’ efforts to overtake the St. Louis Cardinals find themselves too spent and frustrated to have energy for anything else by bedtime.