Holiday diet advice from the voice of experience The chocolate diet

All those eat-this, don’t-eat-that diets in all those books? They don’t work. Here’s what does/doesn’t, explains an authority on diets who’s given up:

As a kid, I sported an underfed look with legs like spindles. When I turned 13, I developed a sudden ravenousness and began living in front of the refrigerator. I grew five inches in two years, but was still rail thin. When I turned 15, I stopped growing (vertically) and began gaining weight. I have waged the battle of the bulge ever since. With Christmas and New Year’s approaching, and the holiday foods that accompany them, I’d like to share the results of my scientific experiments with diet and exercise so that others might benefit. What follows are diets I have tried.

What’s involved: Eat nothing but chocolate. Chocolate chips don’t count unless they’re embedded in something chocolate. Chocolate breads, bagels are OK. Water is OK. Chocolate milk and hot cocoa are ideal beverages. Sample breakfast: chocolate bagel. Sample lunch: Quarter pound or more of Hershey’s chocolate broken off from one-pound bar. Sample dinner: Chocolate desserts. Snacks: See sample lunch. Pros: Chocolate Cons: Acne Health rating (out of 10): 0 Effect on weight: Gain

The Snickers diet

What’s involved: Breakfast and lunch are one meal: A single Snickers bar. Dinner is nothing special, just any dinner.

Pros: Snickers Cons: Hunger Health rating: 2 Effect on weight: Loss, but not sustainable in the long run.

The booze and party diet

What’s involved: Breakfast, lunch and dinner are condensed into one meal consisting of a reheated breaded fish patty from the college dormitory dining hall. All other daily calories derive from alcoholic beverages. Pros: Effective Cons: Sudden loss of stomach’s LAURA MALT SCHNEIDERMAN meager contents Health rating: 0 Effect on weight: Loss, but unsustainable beyond one day

The no-ice cream, no-soda diet

What’s involved: Eat as usual but cut out ice cream and all sweet drinks, including diet drinks and fruit juices. Candy and chocolate are allowed. Pros: Little adjustment to habits Cons: None

Health rating: 8 Effect on weight: Up to age 39, loss. After age 39, no effect. Damn.

The martial arts diet

What’s involved: Eat as usual, but attend a high-energy martial arts program, preferably Korean style.

Pros: No dietary restrictions

Cons: Potential of major, life-changing injury

Health rating: 10 unless injury ensues, in which case, 1

Effect on weight: You will lose weight, or you will die.

The anxiety diet

What’s involved: Anxiety prevents the ability to eat.

Pros: Ease of use, public adulation for being thin, ability to fit into small clothes

Cons: Constant dizziness and fatigue Health rating: 0 Effect on weight: Drastic loss; unsustainable

Every other diet touted in a book or TV commercial

What’s involved: Usually consists of cutting out some type of food, such as carbohydrates or meat or in some cases, all food for certain days. Might consist of counting calories or points, the total of which will amount to a starvation level per day.

Pros: Initial spurt of enthusiasm

Cons: Subsequent hunger and deflation

Health rating: 0-10 depending on diet

Effect on weight: Temporary loss at best, followed by regain

Conclusion

Sadly, no diet really works after a certain age, at least not long term. I don’t miss my days of spindly legs, but it would be nice to fit into some of my old clothes. In the meantime, I’ve come up with a new diet: high heels and Spanx.

Laura Malt Schneiderman is a Post-Gazette developer for interactive news (lschneiderman@postgazette. 412-263-1923, Twitter: @loislane2006).