Conversational odditties

How’s everything?” the fellow says to me. It’s just a way of saying hello, right? I’m sure you get the question now and again, too. But lately I’ve been taking it literally, and generally I begin my answer with another question: “Everything?”

That’s when I see fear in the questioner’s eyes. He thinks, dear God in heaven, please strike this man mute.

These pleasant inquiries are not intended to be answered in full. You ask someone “howyadoin?” not because you want details. You want to hear “fine” and move on.

It can be dangerous to waver from the routine. My cousin-in-law, Pete Shelly, has been answering that howyadoin question the same way for about a quarter-century now.

“Never better,” Pete says. Always.

“And every now and then I believe it,’’ he tells me.

Pete used to cover state government for the PG, but for the past 10 years he’s been doing public relations in Harrisburg. (The way he explained his job switch to his kids when they were young was simplicity itself: “Now I show people how to get into the paper. And if you want to get out of the paper, that’s harder, and it will cost you more money.”)

Anyway, Pete’s “never better” is now such a part of his parlance that if he fails to say it, if he just says “fine,’’ people ask him what’s wrong. His standard answer now defines him.

Me, I like to mix it up. Sometimes, when I’m asked “How are ya?’’ I answer, “I’m feeling good about America.”

That was President Gerald Ford’s campaign slogan in 1976. He lost, and the phrase isn’t playing any better now.

“You’re feeling good about America?” people from across the political spectrum have asked me incredulously. “Why?”

“Why not?” I say. Then I change the subject, because the answer to my question might be on the front page today.

I have a standard answer for “What’s up?” or “What’s new?” too. “Just enough,” I say.

And I say no more, preferring to be a man of mystery.

But back to “How’s everything?” I was under the impression this was a very American thing to say. We can be a very acquisitive people so why shouldn’t we ask about everything?

I was talking about this the other night with Rob Tierney, an immigrant who moved to Pittsburgh from Dublin, Ireland, in 2001 and married an American. Rob and his wife, Christy, live in Brookline and she and Wikipedia help him come up with questions for the trivia contest at Mullaney’s Harp & Fiddle in the Strip District the third Thursday of every month.

“I’m guessing you wouldn’t have asked ‘how’s everything?’ in Ireland, right?” I asked the quizmaster.

“Yeah, we would,’’ he said. The question is about as common in Ireland as it is here. It’s just a way of being friendly, though he allowed, “It’s a peculiar turn of phrase.”

‘Tis.

That’s why I try to answer it literally. I don’t give a full report, of course, much to the relief of the innocent questioners. No, after I respond, “Everything?,” I say something like “I don’t have the time to answer that, but enough things are good to keep me happy.’’

What I don’t say is “I can’t complain.” I don’t think anyone I’ve ever heard say that is telling the truth. Just keep ‘em talking another five minutes. You’ll see.