Pittsburgh’s gators go to Hollywood

Imay not know much, but I know that someday soon there will be a pitch meeting in a Hollywood studio that goes something like this.

Producer: “So what you got?”

Writer: “Well, you know how there has never been a really good alligator movie?”

Producer: “Exsqueeze me? I was on the crew that put out ‘Alligator’ back in ‘80. You never saw that?

Writer: “No, I was born in ‘81, but ...

Producer: “Baby alligator is flushed down a Chicago toilet and grows up eating discarded laboratory rats. Beautiful story. Best reptile movie John Sayles ever wrote.”

Writer: “I’ll take your word for it, but my gator movie is going to be different from all the others because it’ll be set in Pittsburgh.”

Producer: “Pittsburgh? I mean I know they got three rivers, but...”

Writer: “Take a look at this.”

He slides over his tablet and (danger! shameless plug alert!) the producer reads the headline on PG News Slide: “Beechview alligator owner claims ‘Chomp’ escaped while cleaning enclosure.”

Producer: “So? I mean, who among us has never lost a 5-foot reptile while housecleaning? My cousin...”

Writer: “But this was no isolated incident. Three gators were found in three different Pittsburgh neighborhoods in the span of a month.”

Producer: “You mean?” Writer: “We’re talking plague. It’s downright biblical.”

Producer: “I’m listening.”

Writer: “OK, so you know that Bruce Willis movie from the ‘90s where he’s a riverboat cop?”

Producer: “Vaguely. Not big box office. The suits upstairs were calling it ‘Splash Hard’.”

Writer: “Yeah, but take it from a native, our rivers never looked better. The Mon looks bluer than the water off Havana. And — full disclosure — I was listening to this sports talk show and ...”

Producer: “Cut to the chase, kid.”

Writer: “Well on this show, the host, Colin Dunlap, made the reference to the Willis movie, ‘Striking Distance’, joking that the

alligators were being planted by a psycho like the one in the movie. Another twisted revenge on a Pittsburgh cop, only this time the cop is meant to find live gators instead of dead bodies. Not long after Colin says this, a listener calls in and says he’s connected the dots and knows where the fourth gator would turn up.”

Producer: “Go on already. Or am I supposed to cue up organ music?” Writer: “The Aviary.” Producer: “The what?” Writer: “The National Aviary on the city’s North Side. It has like 500 birds. One hundred and fifty kinds. Having a gator there wouldn’t be very good for the birds but...”

Producer: “Very good for the alligator. I get it. But no. This sounds like the worst movie since ‘Howard the Duck’. Hit the bricks, kid.”

Talk about humbling. I was rejected in my own literary device. Once I regained my composure, I called Carl Kurlander in Los Angeles to see where I went wrong. For real, I did.

Mr. Kurlander is the producer and writer known for “St. Elmo’s Fire”; his 2008 homage to Pittsburgh, “My Tale of Two Cities”; and for founding the nonprofit Steeltown Entertainment Project. He found it funny that I was reaching him in L.A., where he was “listening to one stupid pitch after another.”

“But this is an easy one. Here’s how it would be pitched here: It’s ‘Jaws’ but instead of a shark, it’s an alligator. Instead of Martha’s Vineyard, it’s Carrick.”

There might be some “Sharknado” special effects, he said, with the gators going into Primanti’s and riding the inclines. But he loved hearing that the three alligators had been booked passage to a zoo on the Jersey Shore.

“It really does sound like a punch line. Someone will call me in 20 minutes and pitch this for real.”

This should be low-budget. One expect the actors would be paid scale. Or would that be a croc?