PITTSBURGH DADS
Father’s Day 2019: Six dads share their insights into the job
Six men of different backgrounds, different circumstances and different perspectives have a common thread: fatherhood. We asked these Pittsburgh-area dads to offer their thoughts on raising kids in this time and place and share some of their personal life experiences, challenges, worries and insights into the job.
Bill Marx, 42, Pittsburgh Public Schools teacher and USMC reservist, Delmont
Mr. Marx’s experience as a Marine had nothing on the challenge of having sole custody of his thenyoung (now 16-year-old) daughter for several years after he left active duty. He’s since remarried and has a 5year-old young son.
It was really hard to juggle. I was working and taking classes . ... As tough as the Marines were, it didn’t prepare me [for being a single dad]. Without my parents, I don’t know if I could’ve done it. And not everyone has that. But I had amazing parents that wanted grandkids and would do anything for them. My mom would come over and say ‘Hey, how about we take her?’ I was struggling. It was stressful. My mom would come over with groceries for us. Having family support is key — even if you’re not a single parent — it helps so much. Now, being married and having a partner, it’s like night and day.
Ramon Foster, 33, professional football player, Pittsburgh/ Nashville
Mr. Foster grew up humbly in Tennessee, a vastly different situation than experienced by his two sons who have a Steeler for a dad.
I love being around my boys. I made them a promise this offseason, I said ‘I’ll never not coach you in flag football again.’ I enjoy, No. 1, the competitive spirit of it, but I know my 10-yearold, he has less time in the house now than he’s had. And I’m looking at that like, ‘I’m going to lose my oldest child to the world here in eight years!’ It kind of hits you a little differently. I enjoy being a father to my boys. They’re out here with me at practice, and now that they’re old enough to understand what I do, it’s one of the coolest things I ever did as a dad and as a human being.
I don’t want to take time away from them anymore after 11 years of this. I’m very cautious of time. And also, it’s just managing the abundance that they have. Show them you have to work hard for certain things, you have to be a man about how you want to go about your life. Nothing’s going to be easy. Yeah, you have a cushy life in what I provided for you, but the world won’t be the same. … There’s always little lessons I try to give them, because we’re raised differently. I was raised in a double-wide trailer in rural Tennessee. They’re raised in a suburban area right outside of Nashville, so it’s just different. I try to embed little things in their minds, like, ‘You have to be this way. I’ll show you how to be this way.’
Seraphim Oto, 47, IT/AV consultant, Mount Washington
Mr. Oto emigrated from Lyon, France, 18 years ago, and he and his wife are raising 6-year-old triplet boys with autism. He moonlights as a waiter to help cover costs related to their treatment.
The moonlighting job is really to pay for the therapy, which is getting heavy duty because everything is multiplied by three. If you have a $50 [therapy session] each week, it’s really $150 a week. And also to get away for a few hours a week is a relief because my boys require a lot of work. It’s demanding. So it’s like my therapy and at the same time I’m making money to buy therapy [laughs].
They’re doing good. We went to the Oliver Bath House today and they swam for an hour and a half. That’s what I do. You try to find activities that doesn’t cost you a lot and they have to be daily, like swimming, Children’s Museum, the Aviary, parks, all that stuff. They love the Children’s Museum. They’re really into it.
The thing is, it hurts when you see other kids their age and you look at your kids and one of them talks like a 3-year old and the other two aren’t talking. You have a lot of questions — that’s all it is in the autism world is questions. But there’s no answers. Not even the doctor can give you an answer. … You hope that something is going to click. You’re hoping for anything that they can sustain themselves. One day at a time, you do what you can — fais ce que tu peux — and you pray to God that one day they can be independent.
Jaymes Powell, 26, line cook, Beltzhoover
Mr. Powell never knew his father, who was killed when he was an infant. He became a father last month to a baby girl, Veronica, and will celebrate his first Father’s Day on Sunday.
It’s an amazing feeling really. There’s not a better feeling. Just being a father, especially growing up without a dad, it makes it more special and gives me more motivation.
I’m trying to live in the moment, day by day, and enjoy the moments. Everyone says enjoy it now because it’s going to be hectic. And to sleep when she sleeps. But it’s nothing a good father can’t handle. Once I have her in my arms, everything goes away. I bounce her around and talk to her. She knows my voice already. I literally smile every single day. That’s the best feeling. Not everyone has a reason to be happy every day, but she gives me that reason. It’s a wonderful feeling. She makes me happy. And I’m proud to be a father. I didn’t have one. That’s a scary thing, too, when you don’t have one, you don’t know what to do, but I’ve had father figures and you use that and go by that and your own instincts. All in all it’s the best feeling in the world.
I never got to celebrate Father’s Day so for me being celebrated as a father is a little overwhelming. I’m very excited for it.
Jimmy Wells, 42, financial planner, Gibsonia
Mr. Wells knew his entire life that he was adopted, but only found his birth parents earlier this year. They haven’t met in person yet, but the father of two boys will wish his “bio dad” a happy Father’s Day for the first time on Sunday.
My adoptive father died 10 years ago, before I was married and my sons were born. He taught me so many things about life. The day Keegan was born, I remember thinking how sad it was he’d never meet his grandfather. And the saddest thing is not being able to pick up the phone to talk to him. Even if it was just to be like ‘Dad — my car is making this kind of a noise.’
My sister got me a DNA kit for my 40th birthday. … I connected with a first cousin. She talked to her dad — my uncle — and that put it in motion.
When we first talked, he said, “I’ve thought about this day, every day, since the day we gave you up.” To hear him say that was amazing. We talk at least once a week. I don’t even know what we talk about. One conversation I called him, I was with the boys at the zoo. And he was sitting with his dad — my granddad — on his birthday, and we said happy birthday, and he said he saw his dad cry. He said, my dad doesn’t cry.
Everything that we’re going through and talking about now, feels natural. It’s happening at the right speed.
Jay White, 39, film director, Homestead
A father of seven, Mr. White’s oldest son is 22, his youngest daughter is a year old. He and his wife are expecting another baby this summer.
It’s different, the stuff you have to take into consideration.
My son is 22 and he just graduated college from Appalachian State. He lives up in [Boone] N.C. So I really worry about him being one of the few black kids up there, and another black kid might do something, like once somebody robbed someone there and the police — they know my son and that he’s a good kid, but the cop was like ‘I’m gonna ride you home because I don’t want nobody thinking you’re somebody else.’ Being stereotyped for being a black kid in a town that’s up there in the mountains. … Stuff like that I really think about.
My middle kids are kind of like — they don’t fit in with all the black kids and they don’t fit in with all the white kids. They kind of hang out with the art crowd. So they’re trying to find out where they fit in at that age. Kids go through a lot of social problems if they’re not accepted with a certain crowd.
My young kids I just worry about them going to school and making sure they’re safe.
In Pittsburgh, man, dealing with a lot of — it’s not like racism, like someone calling you a name — but trying to break down barriers in the city is kinda tough sometimes. We don’t always get the same doors opened to us. It’s dealing with systemic racism. I think it’s best for a lot of African Americans to be their own business owners. … So I’ve been trying to teach [my kids] about being an entrepreneur and learning a trade or a specific skill set.