She worries about her sister marrying a long-distance love

Dear Carolyn: How does anyone in a long-distance relationship know if they are ready for marriage? My sister has been seeing a guy on weekends for three years and now they are engaged. I can’t help but think that when the glow of the fairytale wedding is gone, she’s going to be in big trouble. They have never spent more than two or three days together ... ever.

— Seattle

Dear Seattle: Of those who do “know” they’re ready for marriage, how many come to find out they were wrong?

You’re worried about your sister, and, from the sketch you gave, you have cause. But she already knows how you feel (unless you’ve found the secret recipe for concealing disapproval, tucked inside the Holy Grail). And she has decided to proceed with her plans nonetheless. Oh well.

There isn’t one road to bliss, there are millions of them, and the sole thing they have in common might be that they’re all paved with at least a few dubious choices. Makes the road longer, hotter and uphill, sure. But it’s not about being perfect; it’s about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

So even if there were such a thing as a sure mistake (there isn’t) and you were certain this marriage was one (you can’t be), preventing it still wouldn’t assure her happiness. For that she’d have to be the one to recognize, admit, understand and remedy any mistakes on her own. People get to that point at their own pace, if at all.

Assuming you did try to challenge her thinking, your job now is to be the sibling who loves her. Wish her the best, stand by her and help her though whatever big trouble arises — or stand happily corrected.

Dear Carolyn: I just broke up with my boyfriend and feel like human garbage. (I initiated the split.) During our last conversation, he flung some really hurtful, hateful comments at me. What’s so painful is these comments had to do with my deepest vulnerabilities — things he knew because I trusted him enough to share these things with him. How can I get over feeling so betrayed?

— California

Dear California: Is there any relief in knowing you had the good sense to dump him?

Someone who would throw your trust back in your face is garbage. Or acting like it.

Far as I can tell, the three stages of baggage are: sadness that someone you trusted chose to hurt you; horror that you chose to trust someone so unworthy; fear that your judgment will fail you again.

You get over the betrayal by chucking this baggage, piece by piece. Accept that trusting always comes with a risk of abuse; that shame always rests with the abuser of trust; and that the abuser of your trust succeeds at causing you permanent harm only if you keep treating this one experience as the model for all future experiences.

Let hindsight teach you the signs you missed that your boyfriend was not a nice guy. Then, when you’re ready, let yourself trust again.