Jobless boyfriend not pulling his weight?

DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend lost his job about two months ago, and he was devastated. We live together, so I was picking up the slack while he looked for another position.

But lately, I have noticed that he really hasn’t been looking at all. I come home from work and he’s on the couch either watching movies or playing video games. The apartment is messy, dinner isn’t made, and it’s like he hasn’t moved for nine hours.

This has really set me off more than once and is the main thing that we fight about. He keeps saying that he is trying to find a job but there is nothing in his field. (He works in banking). I told him he needs to get a job ANYWHERE at this point, and he tells me that other jobs are “beneath him.”

I am a schoolteacher and am having a hard time keeping us afloat on just my salary. My hours are long, and I’m exhausted when I come home to deal with a grown man acting like a child. What should I do? I love him, but I can’t take much more of this. — GET IT TOGETHER

DEAR GET IT TOGETHER: It appears as though your boyfriend is getting too comfortable with not working, letting you handle everything, and not taking any accountability. A little tough love is definitely in order.

He may be having a hard time finding a job. That doesn’t mean that he can’t be contributing to your household in other ways. He could take it upon himself to keep the home clean and start dinner on occasion. He could be using the time during the day to network or interview.

Perhaps he is depressed because of his fruitless job search, in which case I have sympathy for him.

But enough is enough. If you don’t want this to continue, you have to change direction. Let him know that the free ride is over. You are overwhelmed and exhausted and need a partner, not a child.

He needs to decide what he wants to do. Either he can continue living like this, in which case he can find his own place to live, or he can get a job while he looks for a job. None of us are guaranteed anything, regardless of our degrees or work histories. Life isn’t always fair, and it isn’t always easy, but if you are with the right person, it can be a joyful adventure. Let this be a red flag as to how he handles stress. If he isn’t willing to make a change, I think you know what you have to do.

DEAR NATALIE: Lucy, our beloved dog of 12 years, recently passed. She was diagnosed with cancer, and instead of putting her through expensive treatments that were only going to prolong her suffering, I made a decision to have her put down.

My wife and I didn’t agree on this, and it has been causing some tension lately in our relationship. She also wants to get another dog immediately, and I am content with just having a quiet home for a bit. Dogs are a lot of work, and they take a lot out of you.

Well, recently I came home to two dogs in our kitchen, and my wife informed me that she was going to foster them. We got into a huge argument, and now she isn’t speaking to me. I know she expects an apology, but I expect one first.

It was selfish to do this when I explicitly stated that I did not want another dog. While I want to be right, I know it’s better to be happy. But I am really frustrated. Do you have any advice on how to get the dogs out of the house without me leaving first? — DIVORCE OVER DOGS

DEAR DIVORCE

OVER DOGS: I’m so sorry about Lucy. Pets are really special, magical creatures. They define whole chapters of our lives, provide us with unconditional love and affection. Losing a pet is like losing a family member, and it is apparent that both of you are grieving differently.

From what you shared, it appears that you are intellectualizing your feelings. You are focused on what made the most rational sense in the moment. Putting Lucy down must have been very difficult for the both of you, and it is OK to acknowledge that. Saying, “they take a lot out of you” could be a mask for what you may be really feeling, which is: “I loved Lucy and I don’t want another dog because I don’t want to go through that kind of emotional pain again.” It’s OK that you loved your dog and it’s OK that you feel sad now that she is gone. Allow yourself to sit with that for a moment. Letting yourself feel it will let it heal.

Now, as for your wife surprising you with two foster dogs, that wasn’t a great move. My guess is that this passive-aggressive move was because she is a little resentful over putting Lucy down. I think you have to talk to each other about the feelings that you aren’t discussing because you are both going to continue to act out if you don’t. And I don’t know how big your house is, but more than two dogs sounds like it could get a little crowded.

Natalie’s Networking Tip of the Week: Have a goal for 2020? Write it down. When we take it out of our head and put it onto paper it can help us to actualize it. It becomes tangible, something we can see and meditate on, instead of just a thought in our minds.

Natalie Bencivenga is the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette’s Seen and society editor. She has a master’s degree in social work from the University of Pittsburgh. Need advice? Send questions to nbencivenga@postgazette.com. Follow Natalie on Twitter @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci.