On adjusting to the singular ‘they’

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 55 years old and have always used the word “they” to refer to multiple persons. It is how my brain is programmed.

Even as a youth, I thought there should be a word for a singular person without specifying gender, but as there wasn’t one, I abided by using “he,” “one,” “sir” or “madam.” “They” was reserved for multiple persons, and was being misused if referring to a single person.

Currently, “they” is used when one does not know the person’s gender or prefers not to use it. I find it confusing to follow, because my mind automatically translates “they” to mean multiple persons. My adult daughter told me to adjust my brain, because this is now the acceptable usage of “they.”

I have come across “zim,” meaning “him/her.” I could easily adjust to using “zim,” as it remains clear that one person is referenced. But along with zim, there are “sie,” “em,” “ver” and “ter.” It seems one word has yet to be chosen. Are we stuck using “they”?

I’d rather be grammatically incorrect than offend someone. Please advise me on how to use pronouns so as to be properly understood and not offend.

GENTLE READER: It is indeed grammatically confusing. Miss Manners takes personal responsibility for not getting ahead of this problem before it made it to the dictionary and got away from her.

But it seems that the singular “they” has taken hold, and we all must adjust our brains. Her only helpful suggestion is that before launching into any lengthy stories that involve a person who uses the pronoun, you give fair warning — as in, “Tee identifies as ‘they’” — lest you find yourself lost in a “Who’s on First?” of questioning: “Who was at the store when it got robbed?” “They were.” “But I thought you said Tee was alone.” “They were.” “Who were?”