Heading off a toy overload
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My spouse and I are expecting our first child soon. We are minimalists living in a small space, and we would rather our child grow up with a small collection of treasured favorite items rather than a room full of stuff that they could never possibly play with. (If this sounds hyperbolic, I lived this situation in my own childhood.)
We have some very enthusiastic grandparents-to-be who already seem at risk of showering the baby with tons of things. Is there any polite way to say this is really unnecessary, both now and as the child grows up? And not in a deflecting way that makes them think we’re just being polite, but in a way that shows we mean it, without hurting their feelings?
Obviously, we appreciate their generosity, and we by no means want to deprive our child. There’s nothing wrong with birthday gifts! But I would rather the grandparents and other well-wishers spend time doing fun activities with our child and keep it simpler on the “stuff.” What do you think?
GENTLE READER: With some judicious editing, Miss Manners recommends you tell your parents what you just told her (your spouse can deal with your in-laws). She suggests leaving out the part about having lived the problem yourself: There is no need for them to start feeling bad about those outpourings from them or from your own grandparents, which they had hoped delighted you as a child.
And you must have patience when your parents do not change their behavior overnight.
If none of this helps, you will be in the fortunate position of using the surplus of gifts to show generosity to less fortunate children.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a member of a community musical group. We received an email notifying us our conductor’s mother had passed away, and his mailing address was included in the message, in case members wanted to send a sympathy card.
I purchased a card and mailed it. Now, over a week later, the card has been returned by the post office with an “undeliverable” label stating the address does not exist.
What do I do now? The envelope is ruined, so I can’t resend the card if I get the correct address. Should I simply email my condolences to the family at this point?
GENTLE READER: Your concern that your condolences be received is understandable, but Miss Manners urges you not to lose sight of your original purpose.
This is not a race: The situation will be the same one week or one month from now. A handwritten letter (not a card) shows that, even with everything going on in your own life, you stopped to think about your bereaved conductor. And you will, in any case, have an opportunity to blame the post office for the delay when you call to get the correct address.