Trouble conversing right now? Try these icebreakers
You’d never know it by the pictures from Myrtle Beach or Rehoboth over the holiday, but the majority of Americans are battling the effects of isolation here at the end of the worst American summer in more than a half- century.
Trying to maintain social distance can have the deleterious effect of leaving one socially distant. Who knew?
Avoiding gatherings with such extended resolve can push the humans into some dark places, particularly those who normally delight in society itself, described recently by author Charles Leerhsen as “the admittedly artificial and byzantine ways that homo sapiens, when they come together in circumscribed groups and defined spaces, agree to behave, as a way of tempering chaos, making things pleasanter, or avoiding existential angst.”
Among the myriad side effects of all this is one I’ve detected as the pandemic hits six months in duration. Conversation has suffered from a significant increase in starting friction. Multiple times since COVID- 19 took its hold, I’ve communicated via phone with friends I don’t see that often or talk to only occasionally, and in all of those conversations, they’ve expressed a hesitancy about talking to people face to face.
It’s something I’ve inferred was not evident prior to the pandemic.
The most common reason — OK, the overwhelming reason — for this is that the virus has driven us further into political camps. Without any necessarily empirical evidence, mask wearers are associated with the radical left socialist antifa-loving rioting looter-rooting liberal Democrats who hate America, while the mask agnostics are presumed to be MAGA hatwearing Fox News- watching gun- loving low- information racist Trump voters.
Even in an era of severe polarization, it can’t be that simple. Yet plenty of people have become seriously reticent about merely starting a conversation, even with a neighbor, to say nothing of a stranger, for fear of triggering an uncomfortable conversation.
Even standard, ageless icebreakers such as “Ha baht dem Stillers” can feel unsafe anymore, as it’s only about one exchange or two from a discussion on kneeling athletes that is either a perfect rhetorical circle or an agreement that does nothing to advance the issue.
Fortunately, my email this week contained another missive from Men’s Journal, another of my faithful correspondents who have me on their list for no earthly reason. Surfer Magazine is another. When you’ve never been on a surfboard, much less engaged in the endless pursuit of the perfect wave, when you’ve long since fallen down the staircase labeled 12 Steps to Rock Hard Abs, it’s pretty clear portions of this particular inbox are pointless.
But in the context of difficult conversations, Men’s Journal piqued my interest with something called “50 First Date Conversation Starters.” I thought perhaps these would be devilishly open- ended queries that would be useful when retrofitted to more general circumstances, such as the very first one: “If you could hop on a plane right now, where would you go?”
See? Perfectly safe, assuming you would even get on a plane right now and could do so without getting in a fight about masks. This question is basically about preferred destinations and invites an exchange of real social capital, like memories or yearnings, even if you’re probably only a few steps of dialogue from someone’s preference to avoid failed Democrat- run asylum cities.
Ah, well, what else ya got, Men’s Journal, because I’m pretty much down to “Did you ever think you’d be alive for the end of Democracy?”
How about Conversation Starter No. 2: “What’s something I wouldn’t guess about you?”
Again, perfectly good question for our current dilemma. It assumes nothing and invites exposition, a potential jumping- off point for true conversational momentum.
As I waded through 50 First Date Conversation Starters, it occurred to me that we’ve come a long way from “What’s your sign?” ( Steelers Hall of Famer Jack Lambert is said to have responded “Feces” in that instance, but for proof I have none.) Unfortunately, my other conclusion was that too many of the 50 were not terribly useful and even potentially dangerous, particularly to the questioner.
No. 14: “What are five things you want to accomplish before you die?” Um, OK, 1. End this date. No. 36: “What do you wish you were better at?” Picking dates.
No. 20: “Who has been the most influential person in your life?”
It’s a tie between Rudy Giuliani and Flavor Flav.
No. 45: “Did you have any nicknames growing up, or now?”
Skippy, growing up. Now? Vlad the Impaler.
No. 24: “What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?”
Um, wait here a second. No disrespect is meant here to Men’s Journal, which I hope keeps emailing me without exactly knowing why. The intentions were good and potentially beneficial to many. After all, the main intent was, “to save you from endless awkward silences.”
Yeah, I guess sometimes, a good old awkward silence is the better play. But good luck out there.