High school football provides the best job in the world

Human scarecrow. Voice over artist. Body painter.

The Fumbler applied for each of those odd jobs this summer, along with many others.

The absence of high school football this fall would have been a huge blow to everybody’s favorite prognosticator. No football would have meant no job. No job would have meant no money. And no money would have meant no subscription to the Cupcake of the Month Club.

Writing is one of the few things The Fumbler does moderately well, so his plan was to stay in the business. He submitted applications for three jobs: Fortune cookie writer, online dating ghostwriter and gravestone quotes writer. He even got interviews for all three, too.

As he exited the first, he was handed a fortune cookie with a message that read, “You will get a job. Just not here.” It turns out that writing dating profiles isn’t in his future, either. Not after he wrote, “Why should you never break up with a goalie? Because he is a keeper.” His hopes of becoming a gravestone quote writer died courtesy of his “Joke’s over. Let me out NOW!” idea.

Discouraged but not defeated, The Fumbler then sought a few other jobs — Golf ball diver, paint drying watcher and crime scene cleaner. No dice. His luck was like a bald guy who just won a comb.

As you know, high school football did return. The season is here, and The Fumbler could not be happier. Time to watch some games and eat a bunch of cupcakes.

Follow The Fumbler on Twitter — @ FumblerPG

Here are his thoughts on this weekend’s top games:

Penn Hills at North Allegheny, 7 Friday — They say the pen is mightier than the sword, but is this Penn mightier than North Allegheny? By the way, The Fumbler’s buddy is trying to convince him to invest in his sword making business. He makes some very good points! North Allegheny will win this game. Why? Here are some good points: North Allegheny’s Khalil Dinkins is going to be a big problem for teams to stop. Teammate Nathan Hoke is no joke. The Tigers haven’t dropped a home non- conference game since 2016. Winner: North Allegheny.

Belle Vernon at McKeesport, 7 Friday — You can look at this matchup two different ways. McKeesport, new to Class 4A, should present its new opponents fits due to its flexbone attack. But Belle Vernon might be in a decent position to slow it down considering it has had weeks to prepare. Another key storyline is how McKeesport does defending Belle Vernon dual- threat quarterback Devin Whitlock. It says here that Whitlock will have a huge junior season, one which he’ll begin by leading his team to a huge conference win. Winner: Belle Vernon.

Washington at McGuffey, 7 Friday — You’ve heard of Fifty Shades of Grey. McGuffey now has 100 yards of it. It’s the debut of McGuffey’s two- tone gray field. The Fumbler loves it. Kudos to the McGuffey folks for thinking outside the box. It would have been nice if the Highlanders had opened with some creme puff or tomato can. Instead, they must face a WPIAL power. What Wash High has done over the past six years is amazing. In that time, the Little Prexies are 68- 7 and have dropped only one conference game. Winner: Washington.

Clairton at Jeannette, 7 Friday — In each of the past four years, these Class 1A juggernauts played to decide the conference title. That could be the case this time, only instead of it being the last game of the season, it’s the first. The revamped schedule moved some rivalry games to Week 1, and this is one of the most significant. This game gets The Fumbler to thinking ( scary, he knows): Who was the more dominant high school player, Terrelle Prior or Tyler Boyd? That’s a tough call, and so is figuring out who will win this game. Coin is in the air … Winner: Clairton.

And the rest ( home teams in capital letters):

Friday

WPIAL CLASS 6A — ( Quad County) CENTRAL CATHOLIC over CanonMcMillan; Hempfield over NORWIN.

WPIAL CLASS 5A — ( Allegheny Six) UPPER ST. CLAIR over Bethel Park; MOON over West Allegheny. ( Big East) WOODLAND HILLS over Connellsville; GATEWAY over Franklin Regional; PENN- TRAFFORD over Latrobe. ( Northeast) PINE- RICHLAND over Fox Chapel; NORTH HILLS over

Shaler.

WPIAL CLASS 4A — ( Big Eight) TRINITY over Ringgold; Thomas Jefferson over WEST MIFFLIN. ( Greater Allegheny) MARS over Hampton; KNOCH over Highlands; Indiana over ARMSTRONG; GREENSBURG SALEM over Plum. ( Parkway) NEW CASTLE over Aliquippa; Beaver over BLACKHAWK; MONTOUR over Chartiers Valley.

WPIAL CLASS 3A — ( Allegheny Seven) Burrell over VALLEY; FREEPORT over Deer Lakes; North Catholic over DERRY. ( Interstate) Elizabeth Forward over YOUGH; South Allegheny over MOUNT PLEASANT; South Park over SOUTHMORELAND. ( Northwestern Six) Central Valley over HOPEWELL; Keystone Oaks over AMBRIDGE; AVONWORTH over Quaker Valley.

WPIAL CLASS 2A — ( Allegheny) APOLLO- RIDGE over Ligonier Valley; SERRA CATHOLIC over Steel Valley. ( Century) WAYNESBURG over BethCenter; Charleroi over FRAZIER. ( Midwestern) Beaver Falls over RIVERSIDE; NESHANNOCK over Laurel;

Mohawk over ELLWOOD CITY; New Brighton over FREEDOM. ( Three Rivers) BRENTWOOD over Seton LaSalle; Sto- Rox over CARLYNTON; Western Beaver over SOUTH SIDE BEAVER.

WPIAL CLASS 1A — ( Big Seven) BURGETTSTOWN over Fort Cherry; Our Lady of the Sacred Heart over CORNELL; Rochester over NORTHGATE. ( Eastern) Greensburg Central Catholic over LEECHBURG; SPRINGDALE over Riverview. ( Tri- County South) MONESSEN over Avella; California over BENTWORTH; CARMICHAELS over JeffersonMorgan; WEST GREENE over Mapletown.

NON- CONFERENCE — Baldwin over HOLLIDAYSBURG; ERIE CATHEDRAL PREP over Butler; East Allegheny over BROWNSVILLE; Laurel Highlands over ALBERT GALLATIN; DOVER, OHIO over South Fayette.

Saturday night

WPIAL CLASS 1A — ( Big Seven) SHENANGO over Union. ( Eastern) BISHOP CANEVIN over Imani Christian.