Impeachment II no Electric Boogaloo
Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow Tuesday, and as all Americans steeped in modern culture in marmot meteorology have come to know, that can mean only one thing — six more weeks of impeachment talk.
Granted, it shouldn’t take six weeks, at least if I’m reading correctly the fairly straightforward defense arguments, which are that Donald J. Trump, who couldn’t be prosecuted while he was in office, can’t be prosecuted while he’s out of office either.
It’s pretty much the story of a life lived so blithely above the law.
Nevertheless, by this time next week we’ll be fully immersed in his unprecedented second impeachment trial, which I’m forecasting to be better from an entertainment standpoint than “First Blood Part II,” but nowhere near as satisfying as “Led Zeppelin II,” or even “Psycho II.” The problem with “Impeachment II: The Wrath of Don” is in the casting, which will have none of the top legal talent of the original that played out during last year’s Groundhog Week.
Absent from the remount will be slick presidential rationalizers like Pat “The President did absolutely nothing wrong” Cipollone, Flailin’ Alan Dershowitz of the infamous “if a president does something which he believes will help him get elected in the public interest, that cannot be the quid pro quo that results in impeachment” pretzel logic, and former Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi, who was poised to join the investigation of Trump University until a $25,000 check from Mr. Trump turned up in her re-election fund, then defended Mr. Trump on the floor of the Senate by explaining that the president wasn’t twisting arms in Ukraine for dirt on Joe Biden, perish the thought, he was doing it because he cares so much about corruption. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, Pam. We’ll miss you this time.
The lawyers this time are former Montgomery County District Attorney Bruce Castor, last seen declining to prosecute Bill Cosby on charges that would eventually put Dr. Huxtable in the slammer for 3-to-10 years, and Georgia-based litigator David Schoen, who flashed some of his own credentials via this quote to the Atlanta Jewish Times in September:
“I represented all sorts of reputed mobster figures: alleged head of Russian mafia in this country, Israeli mafia and two Italian bosses, as well as a guy the government claimed was the biggest mafioso in the world.” By Jiminy he’s perfect. Mr. Castor and Mr. Schoen were hired just nine days before the second impeachment trial as Mr. Trump suddenly found himself fresh out of lawyers, unless you count Rudy “Captain Combat” Giuliani and Sidney Powell, now distracted by a $1.3 billion defamation suit triggered by her opinions on the proficiency of Dominion’s voting machines.
Five lawyers apparently abandoned the Trump team Saturday night — Butch Bowers, Deborah Barbier, Johnny Gasser, Gregory Harris and Josh Howard — in a disagreement either over tactics or the omnipresent fear in any Trump arrangement, that of getting stiffed on payment. Axios reported Tuesday that Mr. Bowers wanted $3 million for the defense and that Mr. Trump wouldn’t go higher than $1 million, forgetting, I guess, that he’s raised some $170 million from the Make America Gullible Again crowd to help him overturn the election.
The charge against him this time — inciting an insurrection — is a lot less complicated than 2019’s highly imperfect phone call with the president of Ukraine. This one comes with a ton of video evidence and five dead bodies at the U.S. Capitol after a premeditated attack on democracy.
“If you don’t fight like hell, you won’t have a country anymore,” Mr. Trump told a mob he’d helped assemble outside the White House on Jan. 6. “We are going to walk down — and I’ll be there with you, we are going to the Capitol.”
They went on the attack; he went to his customary snuggery in front of his television.
“I’ve read his speech many times now,” said Mr. Schoen, “and I don’t think that in any way, shape or form did it constitute incitement.”
I told you he was perfect. You’re free to infer from Mr. Schoen’s presence, and Mr. Castor’s as well, that Mr. Trump talked them into doing this for less than $1 million, as he’s apparently already indicated the case is so simple he could argue it himself and save some cash.
His legal opinion seems to be that the attack on the Capitol was justified because the Democrats stole the election from him, a narcissism fantasy definitively refuted in 60 courts, the Electoral College, and by Republican election officials in multiple states.
This is the real reason lawyers are leaving Mr. Trump’s fever dream in droves. You can’t walk into a legal proceeding and argue what amounts to a justifiable homicide defense based on a lie. Five people are dead because you are psychologically allergic to losing?
Wait, breaking news from Gobbler’s Knob.
What’s that, Phil? What did you see?
Oh right. The Senate will acquit.
I know, I know.