How to be tactful about food during holiday
Thanksgiving can be a challenging holiday for people who struggle with body image or issues surrounding food. While the holiday is supposed to be about gratitude, for many it has come to be about indulging — or overindulging — in those well-loved quintessential dishes: turkey, stuffing, potatoes and pie.
For people with food and body image issues, the way family members talk about holiday eating can be particularly loaded.
With eating disorders in young people, especially girls between 12 and 17, skyrocketing in the pandemic, as many as 30 million Americans are estimated to have them at some point in their lives.
Recognizing that family members may be unaware of a relative’s struggles, local experts offered advice on how to avoid harmful language around food during the holidays.
Morgan Krumeich, a clinical psychologist at AHN who specializes in eating disorders, said that associating food as good or bad can create negative thoughts, emotions and guilt around eating. Even a comment that seems harmless, like, “I’ll have to go to the gym after eating all this pie,” can trigger that moral quandary in others, who now have second thoughts about taking two slices. Ms. Krumeich discouraged comments about what folks are eating or not eating and comments about people’s bodies in general.
Erin Wentroble, the site director
for The Renfrew Center, an eating disorder clinic in Pittsburgh, agreed with avoiding comments on portion sizes, body shape changes, moral comments about food or referencing caloric content. Someone in recovery for an eating disorder may be on a set meal plan that would dictate portion sizes.
Ms. Krumeich said that people can still eat normal portions and celebrate the holidays, and she discouraged poking fun at someone for not eating more. “Thanksgiving is a societally normative day to binge and overeat,” she said. “For people who are clued in, this can be really overwhelming.”
Commenting on lost weight might be intended as a compliment from the giver but not feel like one to the receiver. People’s weight may change for many reasons, including illness, eating disorders or a new medication.
“This just brings extra attention to the body for better or for worse,” Ms. Krumeich said. “It can feel like everyone is staring at you.”
Ms. Wentroble recommended steering clear from diet trend talk as well: Saying that you’ve tried the paleo or keto diets recently could be triggering for someone currently working through disordered eating or their own weight changes.
There’s still much to talk about without focusing on food, said Ms. Krumeich and Ms. Wentroble. Asking about people’s kids, jobs or what they are doing for fun can ease tension and take the spotlight off food- or body-related questions. Ms. Wentroble stressed “meaningful and lighthearted” conversation topics, like asking whether someone has developed any new interests or seen any new changes in their life.
If eating-related comments do come up at the table, there are ways to prepare, to deflect or to support your struggling loved one. Ms. Krumeich suggested the “buddy system.” The pair can strategize about what to expect beforehand or create a safe word if one person needs to step away from the environment.
Ms. Wentroble agreed that identifying a support person to redirect conversation, or even to give them a reassuring squeeze under the table can help. The “buddy” doesn’t have to be someone present at the function, either — it can be someone reached by texting.
Rachel Kolko Conlon, a clinical psychologist specializing in eating disorders and an assistant professor in the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine, gave suggestions via email about how to respond to these comments.
“If someone mentions your weight or refers to your shape, size, appearance, or other eating- or weight-related behavior, you can respond by talking about how you are doing and feeling, or what you have been focusing on to redirect from weight or shape-based factors to other values that you have,” Ms. Conlon said. This might include talking about how you’ve gotten into a new activity, how school is going, if you are looking to switch jobs or are spending more time with friends.
Thanksgiving is not just about sitting down to eat; it’s also about the buildup and anticipation of the meal: smelling the food, the animated buzz of preparation. This can overwhelm some who aren’t always comfortable around food.
They may elect to show up late or leave early, or to focus on activities like grocery shopping or watching a movie with the kids instead of being around the food while it’s cooking. People struggling may also feel a strong urge to isolate or withdraw after the meal, whether that be from guilt, anxiety or discomfort. Encouraging that person to join in on a board game or a movie postmeal can help them stay present and avoid negative thoughts.
In some cases, a diet-culture comment can be followed up by establishing a boundary, like, “I’m not comfortable talking about that,” or redirecting the conversation by asking about what holiday movies everyone is looking forward to seeing.
Ms. Wentroble said a little education can go a long way. If a family member says, “I can’t have a second helping of mashed potatoes because I hit my calorie limit today,” an appropriate response that doesn’t shame the person could be, “It’s good to listen to fullness and hunger cues. If you’re hungry, have more!” Not engaging or walking away from the scene also works.
“People make comments or ask questions without really thinking about where they are coming from, what they mean, or their impact,” Ms. Conlon said. “You and your support people can provide information about the harmful effects of such words and education on what to say, what not to say, and how to be supportive. We all need to be advocates to reduce weight bias and discrimination and establish more supportive environments for everyone, including individuals struggling with eating- and weightrelated conditions.”
“We can’t undo those comments, we can only control how we respond to them,” Ms. Krumeich said. “That’s the hardest part ... Only focusing on the negatives in food takes away from what the day is supposed to be about.”
If you are engaging in behaviors that might jeopardize your health or are concerned about hurting yourself, you can contact the National Eating Disorder Association Helpline, call Resolve Crisis Services (1-888-7968226) or dial 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
"Only focusing on the negatives in food takes away from what the day is supposed to be about.” Morgan Krumeich, a clinical psychologist at AHN