UNHAPPY HOLIDAYS
Idyllic holiday movies are fiction: Here’s how to cope with reality
Christmastime was never “the most wonderful time of the year” for Aubrey Phillips. Her notion of Santa was marred by a hyper-awareness of her parents’ financial concerns. Rather than leaving that mental load to the adults, she carried it, along with a sense of guilt, through the whirlwind of stops and holiday functions, meeting obligations rather than savoring all that Christmas carols promise about the season.
And her early adulthood didn’t offer a much different script.
“We couldn’t get past the burden that it brings to actually enjoy the fun of it,” Phillips, 40, of Washington, Pa., said. “That’s something I never wanted for my own kids, but circumstances of life kept putting us back in the same position every year.”
In some ways, those “circumstances” are tied to nothing more complicated than the flip of the calendar.
According to a new poll by The Harris Poll, on behalf of the American Psychological Association, nearly nine in 10 Americans say the holiday season increases their stress. And the reasons why feel like a game of “Family Feud.”
Spending too much money or not having enough money to spend earned the top spot, at 58% of the more than 2,000 adults surveyed. Other popular stressors included finding the right gifts (40%), missing family or loved ones (38%), having too much to do (32%), pressure to make the holidays feel special (30%) and food or alcohol concerns (25%).
And those celebrating Jewish or other non-Christian holidays noted stress for an additional reason: the season not reflecting their culture, religion or traditions.
Closer to home, 64% of Western Pennsylvanians recently surveyed by Highmark Health indicated behavioral health struggles, with 57% rating their stress as especially poor, awarding it just two stars or less, with five being excellent.
Strategies like skipping Hallmark Christmas movies and social media can certainly help, but avoiding the holiday season is nearly impossible, which, according to these data, is taking its toll. It leaves many struggling to coexist with the time period’s expectations — ones as lofty and uncontrollable as a white Christmas — and mental health professionals to help pick up the pieces.
“The trouble people experience around holidays, it’s all grief of some sort,” said Jennifer McCaslin, licensed professional counselor at East End Therapists in Monroeville. “Maybe we’re sad because grandma isn’t with us this year, but then there are the pieces of grieving based on the expectations people have.”
Car commercials attempting to normalize $60,000 holiday trinkets, family members asking passive-aggressive
questions about a chosen profession or “gifts” meant to force the agenda of the giver shatter images of the ideal, creating their own sense of loss and stress.
And for those who’ve experienced abuse, the holidays can signal an exacerbation of that trauma.
Mind your body
In addition to feeling like a burden around Christmastime as a child, many years of feeling financially pinched by the holidays, and the suffocating rush of December todos, Phillips also endured an abusiverelationship.
As she’s gotten older, and more observant, she noticed those experiences creeping back in as holiday stress well before Dec. 25.
“A lot of what I experienced I’m learning now is a trauma response,” she said. “Even though I’m not living in that situation these days, I still feel a lot of it,” in the form of muscle tension, headaches, difficulty sleeping at night, aches, pains, tiredness, moodiness and a tendency to catch any viral illness within 50 yards.
That kind of noticing is a key component of what McCaslin asks her patients to do,especially this time of year.
“It’s not just about what you’re feeling or thinking about, but what you’re noticing in your body,” she said. “Are you clenching your fists? Are you holding your breath? Our bodies often tell us what we’re feeling before we know how we’re feeling.”
How to confront some of thesesymptoms is intuitive. A conscious focus on breathing can help those holding their breath or breathing shallowly. Stretching or massage canaddress muscle tightness.
In an effort to lower baseline anxiety, McCaslin also advocates for routines, particularly during stressful periods: consistent bedtimes, staying conscious of alcohol consumption, getting adequate exercise, maintaining a healthy diet, seeking time outside and time alone.
But social causes of discontent
can feel — and be — trickier.
Togetherness tightrope
Rogna Jurecko, a mental health counselor practicing out of North Hills Counseling in Hampton, specializes in grief, and knows it’s emphasized this time of year.
“It’s so similar to social media. We only know what people tell us or show us,” she said. “But at any moment, you can look around the grocery store, and many of those people are putting on a brave face, working through the holidays, dealing with some sort of change and grief — loss of a job, loss of the quality of a relationship, a child not coming home for the holidays, someone has died.
“If we get to a point in culture where we talk more about what’s really happening instead of focusing on presenting some picture, I think we’d all feel less alone.”
But until then, connection can be created with pre-event communication to help pave the way for tolerable, if not enjoyable,holiday interactions.
“Sometimes we wait for people to ask us how they can help, but if there’s really something we need, it’s OK for us to initiate the conversation with people who are safe in our world,” she said. “It’s OK to change a tradition or skip something your family typically does. Often people think it’s all or nothing. If they can’t handle the whole event, they just can’t go, but that can lead to isolation.”
To feel comfortable in uncomfortable environments, both experts recommend potentially setting a personal timer on the length of that experience. Mentally commit to one hour, for instance. Check in with yourself then. If your tolerance is reached,
head home. Otherwise, try another hour.
Alternatively — or in addition — schedule breaks. If there’s an unused porch or sitting room, take a few minutes there to regroup.
McCaslin also encourages patients to have discussions with family members and friends ahead of time about off-limits topics, personal goals for eating or drinking, how much time will be spent at various events and similar hot-button topics.
While those boundaries should be honored, prepare in case they aren’t.
“That’s doing the work before showing up,” McCaslin said. “What might that family member say or do? What are your triggers? How might the best version of yourself respond? And be well rested, limit drinking and set yourself up for success so you can respond as you’ve prepared to.”
But for some, the real difficulty begins when events are over.
After-party
Holiday events can be forces of nature that bring even those who resist along for the ride.
Whether genuine or contrived, mid-event smiles, cheers and laughs might come easily, but for some, there’s an aftermath — conversations are mentally replayed, memories of those missing hit hard, or guilt over food or drink choices reign.
Whether “the end” is defined by the snuffing out of each holiday encounter or the whole season, Jurecko recommends a reward.
“That could be looked at as some sort of ritual. Saying goodbye to the season itself. Saying goodbye to the stress of the holidays,” she said. “Having something just for ourselves, something that allows you to let it go and move forward.”
For McCaslin, that means having it planned ahead of time and knowing yourself.
Planning to watch a favorite movie or bake a treat might be the perfect antidote. Or for those who feel the stress in their bodies, plan a walk or a hike.
And for some, “the end” was a singular point in time that came during the COVID19 pandemic, when simplifiedseasons were the norm.
“The interesting thing is that COVID gave some people a break, when we weren’t gathering,” McCaslin said. “It gave some people a break on all of these things, and
I’ve seen some people who loved that.”
“Some people” includes Phillips.
“There’s just so much pressure around the holidays, and throughout COVID, one of the blessings we took from it was we had to slow down,” she said. “We haven’tsped back up again.”
She no longer feels pressured to participate in every breakfast with Santa or family party. But those are just the details of a philosophical shift: Phillips disengaged with the expectations that underlie much of holiday-related grief and stress.
“Now that I’m a little older and wiser,” and a mother to seven children, ages 9 months to 23 years, “I realize that very few people are living a stereotypical, pictureperfect scenario,” she said. “Since COVID, we have maintained a slower pace that helps us keep the focus onthings that matter.
“We have to know what we can handle and do that, not push ourselves to be everyone to everyone else all the time.”