Was it racist to exclude couple from family pics?
Q: My wife and I attended my nephew’s wedding 18 months ago. He and his wife are now expecting a baby, and I was looking forward to meeting my newest relative. The problem: At their wedding, group pictures of our extended family were taken before my wife and I realized it. When we asked the photographer why we had been overlooked, he only reiterated that pictures had already been taken. My wife, a woman of color, believes that racism may be the reason for our exclusion. She wants nothing to do with my nephew or his family again. I understand her feelings, but I’d like to restart these relationships. My wife doesn’t want me to broach the subject. Thoughts? — HUSBAND
A: In the absence of meaningful context here, I would probably defer to your wife’s assessment. (In all likelihood, she has more experience with racist episodes than you do.) At the same time, I am thoroughly unpersuaded by your investigation. It sounds as if you spoke to the wrong person: a wedding photographer who had little incentive to assemble your entire family for group photographs.
In my experience, the photographer (or a member of the wedding party) makes an announcement about family photographs after the ceremony. Could you have missed it? Or does your wife’s experience with your family make it seem likely that they would engineer her exclusion because of race? You provide no backstory, but your wife may be better equipped to answer these questions.
What seems unjust to me, though, is your willingness to rely on a single conversation with a busy service provider to determine the future of family relationships. I wish you had spoken to your nephew 17 months ago! Since you didn’t, the best you can do now is ask your wife to suspend judgment if this was a novel experience with your family. If it wasn’t, I respect her decision. And then the question becomes: Do you want an independent relationship with these relatives? A smorgasbord on daddy’s dime
Q: My wife and I treat our children and their spouses when we go out to dinner. We are well off compared with other family members. But one of our children’s spouses always orders the most expensive item on the menu — and sometimes two items, just to try different things. (They don’t do that when they are paying for themselves!) Should we ignore this, or is there a nice way to speak up? The last thing we want is to be petty when it’s not a financial issue. — FATHER
A: Twice you say you can afford what your children and their spouses order. But to feel good about treating them — which you leave unsaid — you want them to behave within certain boundaries: They should order modestly and without too many extras. Seems totally reasonable to me.
The problem is, you haven’t communicated these boundaries to them, possibly because you think they’re obvious. Well, apparently they aren’t! So choose your own adventure: If you like indulging your children, do it. You can afford to, right? But if these meals aggravate you, lay out some ground rules: “One meal to a customer, please. And let’s order conservatively, OK?”
All this story’s missing is a cosmo
Q: I met an attractive guy at a friend’s party. He is interested in getting into my line of work, so I gave him my card. He called the next day, and we agreed to meet for drinks. Before we met, I asked my friend if he was single. He is not. At drinks, I answered his work questions, then he asked if he could speak to me in confidence. I said he could. He told me that his wife had asked him to consider an open relationship. He didn’t flat-out ask me to hook up, but it was clear that his interest in meeting wasn’t strictly professional. I am not interested in an open relationship. Would it be wrong to tell our mutual friend how this panned out? — P.
A: So you want to know if it’s OK to dine out on a “Sex and the City”-type misadventure after promising a man (who didn’t proposition you) that he could speak in confidence. I am not being a goody-twoshoes when I tell you that keeping my word generally makes me feel better about myself than the fleeting thrill I get from gossiping. This episode has nothing to do with your mutual friend. Keep her out of it. Not every wedding needs a dress
Q: My gay son and his partner are getting married. They plan to wear themed outfits. I support their union and their choices. They identify as male and wear traditional male garb. But secretly, I’ve dreamed that one of them, preferably my son, would wear the traditional white wedding gown that I wore. Its elegance contrasts sharply with their planned outfits. Should I share my desire? — MOTHER
A: You may be trolling me here, but your question would strike me as homophobic even if you weren’t. Why mention your son’s sexuality at all? Do you think it makes him more likely to wear a dress than a straight son? I would let all your children dress in peace for their weddings. Donate your gown to a clothing charity if you want it to be worn again.