Don’t assume a pregnancy unless you know for sure
DEAR ABBY: Recently, while making a purchase at a local store and handing the cashier my money, she asked, “How many months along are you?” I was confused for a moment, until I realized she had assumed I was pregnant. (I’m not.) When I told her I wasn’t, she just shrugged and said, “Oh.”
Abby, my feelings were hurt. I will most likely never see that cashier again — and I do not know her — but I would like to know how to respond to this in the future. I don’t believe people should assume a woman is pregnant unless they know for sure that she is. What she said made me instantly want to lash out. However, I knew that responding with more rudeness would do no good. So, what should I say if this ever happens again? — NOT PREGNANT IN ALABAMA
DEAR NOT PREGNANT: You handled the situation appropriately. The cashier was presumptuous. If it happens again, either handle it the way you did with that clerk or say, “Why do you ask?” and let the person squirm. The choice is yours.
DEARABBY: I’m an eighthgrader with a good life. I go to a good school, have good friends and a happy family. But at school, there is this boy who follows me around. I tell him to stop, but he keeps doing it. When I tell my friends about it, they laugh and think it’s funny. I don’t feel like it’s a joke. It’s creepy.
I have tried to tell adults, but they don’t do anything. Recently I dyed the tips of my hair blue, and at lunch he walked up, grabbed my hair and felt it. I feel like it was an invasion of my personal space. Because he won’t stop following me around and being creepy, my grades have dropped. I’m distracted in class and nervous. What do you think I should do? — INVADING MY SPACE DEAR INVADING: If that boy were younger, I would suggest that he has a crush on you. But by the age of 13 or 14, he should have learned what “no” and “stop” means. I don’t blame you for being concerned because the young man is acting like a stalker. Nobody has a right to touch you — or your hair — without your permission. You have a right to feel safe.
Do your parents know about this? If you told a teacher about what has been going on and were ignored, tell a counselor or the principal of your “good” school about it.
DEAR ABBY: My 30-yearold son insists that I should help pay for the orthodontia he feels he should have had as a child. He is a grown man now with three children of his own, and I am not sure if I, his dad, should financially help him with this. What do you think? — BRACING FOR AN ANSWER
DEAR BRACING: I am going to assume that when your son was a minor, you could not afford to get him the orthodontia he needed, which is sad. That said, if you wish to help him now and doing so would not put undue financial pressure on you, go ahead and help him out.
However, if you are being guilted into paying because your financially independent son thinks he is “entitled” to it, then forking over the money would be a mistake.
DEAR ABBY: My mom once said that her younger sister had an unwed pregnancy in the early 1940s and gave up a baby girl for adoption. Mom told no one else but me about this. She later said her sister had confessed it to her husband late in life and that he had reacted violently.
I recently attended a family funeral and had a conversation with my cousin, who said he was concerned about possible dementia in his mother because — among other things — she had asked him about his older sister. (He doesn’t know he had one.) I didn’t say otherwise, but I’m debating with myself if I should say anything or just keep quiet. My aunt died last week, after being a widow for several years. — KEEPER OF A FAMILY SECRET
DEAR KEEPER: If there were anything positive to be gained by revealing this secret, I would advise you to tell your cousin. But there isn’t. So keep your mouth shut.
DEAR ABBY: Why is it that when adults are trying to get to know my children, the first thing they want to know is who they have a crush on? Not only is that an extremely personal question, it’s also the least significant part of their lives and not something I want them to dwell on.
Ask instead what their favorite subject is, if they read a book recently they enjoyed, what kinds of activities they participate in or clubs they belong to. Please stop telling them that “surely some cute little kid” must have caught their eye. — WISE ONE IN VIRGINIA
DEAR WISE ONE: I agree. Young children may “like” someone, but may find it embarrassing to talk about. Another question, in addition to the ones you have suggested, might be, “Who are your friends, and what do you like doing with them?”