The good stepmother
HI, HELAINE: My husband has a daughter and two sons, all in their 30s, from his former marriage. At various times, they’ve all asked him for money for things like a car or medical bills. He’s given it. While the sums each child receives are not identical, they are more or less in line with each other.
Now his daughter wants to buy an apartment. He's thinking of offering her a significant sum. I'm not against the gift -- our finances are separate -- but I am concerned this rather large present will mean the sons will expect the same on principle. That's a lot of money! But if they don't get it, I'm afraid they will make her life hell. These three don't get along so well as it is.
I’m not sure how to advise my husband. Strict equality? To each according to his needs? Favorite child? — GOOD STEPMOTHER
DEAR GOOD STEPMOTHER: You are a good stepmother — you proved it by writing this note. You’re right to be concerned. According to a survey from Ameriprise, if siblings are going to get into arguments about money, it’s likely because of Mom or Dad. There are inheritance and caretaking battles, to be sure, but there are also beefs over fairness, specifically whether one brother or sister is being favored financially over another.
Since you admit your stepchildren don't get along all that well, it sounds like they are already primed to fight over money matters — if they don't already. The chances are good that if your husband gifts one child a large sum and doesn't do the same for the others, not only will a nasty battle break out among the siblings, it's almost certain the left-out siblings will be furious with your husband.
Unless one of the children is Mark Zuckerberg, your husband needs to operate fairly going forward. If he decides to help his daughter with the down payment on her new apartment, he needs to not only tell his sons, but also inform them that the same amount is available for them when they are ready to make a similar purchase. If he can't afford to do that, that's likely a sign he should be reconsidering his support of his adult children. He should not be endangering his own finances paying the bills for children who are old enough to earn a living.
If, however, his finances do support this kind of spending, he might want to consider making an annual financial gift to his three adult children. The Internal Revenue Service currently allows taxpayers to gift up to $15,000 annually to as many people as they would like without needing to pay a gift tax on the sum. Taking that strategy going forward would not only ensure greater fairness, it would permit your husband to offer these adult children financial support while simultaneously letting them learn how to live on a fixed annual sum. That's one lesson it sounds like all three of these kids could stand to learn.