Loss, grief and how to respond
Brian Melloni in the picture book ‘Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children,’ wrote, “No matter how long they are or how short, lifetimes are really all the same. They have beginnings and endings and there is living in between.”
With the loss of two principals in two weeks, many in the educational community are mourning. This can take the form of reflecting on their own mortality and prioritizing the focus for living in between the beginnings and endings in a more intentional way.
Funeral services with healing music and precious memories have marked the passing of Joe Santos and Isaac Nunez. Receptions filled with pictures and stories of memorable encounters help to ease the sadness a bit, but teachers and administrators want to be intentional about dealing with student grief. According to the School Crisis Center, by the time students graduate from high school, most will have lost a friend or family member. By age 16, nearly 40% of students will have experienced the death of a peer and 20% will have witnessed a death.
Grieving time for students varies. Most do not adjust to a loss in six months or even a year. According to the National Association of School Psychologists (NASP), grief can cause reactions like loss of appetite, trouble sleeping, decreased focus, increased sadness, and social withdrawal, but coping after the loss doesn’t always include visible signs.
School personnel can be a source of support. During conversations with students they are encouraged to use the word “death,” rather than “passed away” because that may be too abstract and confusing. Reminding little ones that death is not contagious can also be a helpful comfort.
Being patient, listening closely and acknowledging the feelings of grieving students is important. Their questions should be answered with brief, simple explanations. Students may not want to talk about their feelings. Some prefer to write, draw, listen to music, play a game or read a book instead.
Counselors remind us that words in books can create comforting images and gentle access to emotions. Several pictures books have been recommended by NASP for elementary children who are processing a death.
Lines from the picture book, The Next Place by Warren Hanson read, “The next place that I go, won’t really be a place at all. There won’t be any seasons- winter, summer, spring or fall... My skin will not be dark or light. I won’t be fat or tall. The body I once lived in, won’t be part of me at all.”
Leo Buscaglia wrote a simple nature story entitled, The Fall of Freddie the Leaf: A Story of Life for All Ages. Freddie changes colors as the seasons pass and his leaf friends drift down to the ground leaving him alone on a branch. When the first snow falls, he does too. The last page of the book says, “The beginning.” As we approach the equinox, this tale helps students notice the balance of nature as it cycles between life and death.
The picture book of The Invisible String by Patrice Karst explains that we are all connected to the ones that we love like parents, pets, and friends through the Invisible String. It can’t be cut and it can reach all the way up to the moon, down below the ocean and even to heaven.
Last week The United Nations celebrated International Literacy Day to promote literacy across the globe. While billions of people are literate, this day shines a light on improving literacy rates for individuals, communities and societies in every country. Books introduce worlds outside of our own. They can educate us about coping with grief or allow us to escape on a fantasy adventure.