Show me the money
Janice Pelham left a message about home inspector Will Wood’s story that went like this:
“Wife, from the other room: ‘Honey, do you ever get a stabbing pain in your chest like someone has a voodoo doll of you and is stabbing it with a pin?’” “Me: ‘No, why?’ “Wife: ‘How about now?’” Janice asked where she could get one of those dolls. I’m not sure. Stores are probably sold out.
*** I was at Floyd’s on Chester the other day and did a double take when I saw this sign at the register:
“Attention customers. Due to the warmer weather and hygienic reasons, we will not accept money from the shoe or bra areas. We apologize for any inconvenience. Thank you and have a wonderful day. The Management.”
“It hasn’t been just COVID-19,” said one of the cashiers. “During the fall, we had a customer come in and pull some money out of his shoe and it was wet.”
People are different. Not everybody has a wallet or a purse. However, many of us have found this a convenient way to transport our money, credit cards and valuables.
Maybe it shows a decided lack of imagination but it has never occurred to me to slip a $10, a $5 and a couple of singles in my shoe. If I had, I would have had to lean against the counter, or sit on it, in order to remove the shoe because if I tried doing it while standing on one leg — in yoga this is called vrksasana (tree pose) — the tree might have toppled over and crashed head first into whatever miracle cream Floyd’s was selling at the cash register.
Carrying money in a ladies’ undergarment feels like a wild west thing to me. The madam who owns the salon, or perhaps the establishment above it. That image has some historical resonance and cinematic veritas.
*** This was sent by Jerry Matthews and is probably getting pretty wide circulation but in case you haven’t seen it. My Self-isolation Quarantine Diary Day 1 — I can do this!! Got enough food and wine to last a month!
Day 2 — Opening my eighth bottle of wine. I fear wine supplies might not last!
Day 3 — Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who knew??
Day 4 — 8 p.m. Removed my day pajamas and put on my night pajamas.
Day 6 — I get to take the garbage out. I’m so excited, I can’t decide what to wear.
Day 8 — Went to a new restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Day 10 — Struck up a conversation with a spider today. Seems nice. He’s a web designer.
Day 11 — Isolation is hard. I swear my fridge just said, “What do you want now?”
Day 12 — I realized why dogs get so excited about something moving outside, going for walks or car rides. I think I just barked at a squirrel.
Day 13 — If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Day 15 — Anybody else feel like they’ve cooked dinner about 395 times this month?
Day 16 — Fought with wife over who gets to empty the dishwasher.
** Reader J Caminiti called with a question. When I wrote about Grantland Rice and quoted his passage about the Four Horsemen and Knute Rockne, why didn’t I mention Notre Dame, the college where Rockne coached and the Four Horsemen played? “You must have had your reasons,” he said. No, I didn’t. That would be giving me entirely too much credit. I just forgot. *** This from new grandmother Janis Krecklow. “My daughter and son-in-law had a baby, our first grandchild, Thursday.
“We are Facetiming but have found that going to their home and peering through the window is the most fulfilling.
“People ask ‘When will you get to hold him?’ I don’t know. They want to protect us. We are 68 and my mother who lives with us is 93.”
It will happen and when it does, the floodgates will open and the tears of joy will flow.
*** If you’re looking for funny, I suggest “Fawlty Towers,” a BBC2 production with John Cleese released in 1975. You can buy it through Amazon Prime. There were 10 laughs in the first episode. Try the first episode ($1.99) and then decide if you want to buy the rest of the season. Cleese is like a much earlier version of Kramer (Michael Richards) in “Seinfeld.” Herb Benham is a columnist for The Bakersfield Californian and can be reached at hbenham@bakersfield.com or 661-395-7279.