The Tug of War
“In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus.” *
A few days after Al’s shoulder surgery, I began to feel overwhelmed with the responsibility of taking care of him. We were up at 4 a.m. on the morning of the surgery, then had a long night afterwards trying to help him get comfortable in the recliner. It was difficult for him to sleep upright, but seemed to be better than in the bed.
Pain was also a factor, intensifying at night; so, it was important to keep ice on his shoulder. We had several house visits from an Occupational Therapist, an RN and a Physical Therapist, all of whom were reassuring and encouraging. They checked his vital signs each visit, monitored his medicines, and spent time answering our questions.
One of the nursing duties I had to help with between the nurse’s visits was the removal of the catheter on his chest that was attached to a pain pump. Because of the likelihood of infection, the pain pump could only be used for four days and then had to be unattached from his body.
Now that was far out of my comfort zone. The worst part turned out to be pulling the extremely sticky tape off his neck. Ouch. I hated to hurt him; but he never complained.
Al was an extremely good patient, thanking me over and over for my help. But the combination of the lack of sleep, stress over his operation and the responsibility of taking care of him grew to be too much. It came to a head one morning when I began to whine, complain and feel sorry for myself.
Now I could have taken a big deep breath and thought of all the reasons for which I had to be thankful. Unfortunately, I chose to be grouchy, giving in to the selfish part of me. At that point, help rendered to him wasn’t done in love or with joy but with a negative attitude.
There was a big struggle between the selfish side of me and the selfless side of me — a tug of war with each pulling in the opposite direction. After venting to Al, I realized I needed to let go of myself and trust God to take over. He would provide the strength and guidance necessary as I put every detail of our lives into His hands.
Later when I was outside watering, the flow of water was suddenly cut off from the hose. I had to stop and uncrimp it before watering again. That happened repeatedly and was aggravating.
The crimped hose was a powerful image of the way we can cut off the flow of the Holy Spirit in our lives through selfishness, wrong attitudes and negative thinking. When we stop fighting and surrender to the Lord, He can flow freely through our lives and out to others.
With the sun behind my shoulder, an arc of a rainbow formed through the spray, I was reminded of the promise God is transforming me in spite of the tug of war between self and the Spirit within me. I only need to give Him permission.
Now that Al is on the mend from his shoulder surgery and is becoming more independent, some of the responsibility of caring for him has been lifted from my shoulders. More sleep helps too! I’m thankful for the improved situation, but especially for God’s grace. He never gives up on us, even in the midst of our tug of wars. Good news, eh?
“…We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life…”
“Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.”
“In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus.” * (Romans 6:2B-4,8-11NIV)