Man considers reaching out to dangerous former friend

DEAR ABBY: I cut off contact with a friend I’ll call “Mick” after my wife and I had our first child. He was a gambling addict, an alcoholic and a serial abuser of women. He was violent when he drank and once broke my nose because of some perceived slight.

Mick had a troubled childhood and then served in the Army in Afghanistan and Iraq. By the time he returned home, his mental health was extremely compromised, and I believe this is what led to most, if not all, of his issues and shortcomings.

I have always believed that, at heart, Mick is a good person. As someone who suffers from mental illness myself, I feel I can understand his issues on some level. I would like to reconnect with him, but I need to protect myself and my family, both emotionally and physically. How might I approach rekindling a relationship with Mick in a safe and reasonable way?

— MISSING A FRIEND

DEAR MISSING: Drop that idea. You are not a therapist, and you can’t “fix” what’s wrong with Mick. The man is a violent abuser, and you have no proof that he has sought counseling for his issues. Offering the hand of friendship to someone who broke your nose because he had been drinking could be dangerous for you and your family. Your first responsibility is THEIR safety.

DEAR ABBY: My friend and I befriended the most adorable older couple. They invite us over and they love lunching together. They are terrific company, and we always enjoy our time with them.

During our last visit, they were cooking lunch, and it was apparent that they don’t wash their hands when preparing food. Because of the coronavirus, we aren’t comfortable eating at their house anymore. We would be happy to bring something over, but they are set in their ways and like to prepare their own food. We tried saying we can’t stay for lunch, but once we are with them, they start putting out the food. What advice can you give us?

— STAYING SAFE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR STAYING SAFE: Go online and check to see whether you can pick up the coronavirus from food. One would think that if the food is hot, the virus wouldn’t survive the cooking process. Have you considered inviting them to your place instead?

If you think this charming couple’s food puts you at risk of catching something unpleasant -- like salmonella -- the next time you are invited, lower your risk by bringing food for all of you. If they argue, tell them you are reciprocating their hospitality, which may have been one-sided if you have eaten there often. However, if they question you further, tell them the truth. While it may cool the relationship, it will increase your chances of staying healthy.

DEAR ABBY: My brother passed away recently. I bought a small life insurance policy 24 years ago to provide for his final expenses and to help his widow at the time of death. After paying for expenses, I plan to leave what’s left to his widow. My husband is nudging me to deduct the premium I paid for the policy, but I don’t feel comfortable about it. I’m not sure what I should do. Any suggestions?

— WONDERING IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR WONDERING: This was YOUR brother and this is your sister-in-law. Tune your “helpful” husband out and follow your conscience.

DEAR ABBY: When I had my two children in my 40s, I had zero idea of how hard it would be. One has autism; the other has ADHD. My child with ADHD is very self-confident and refuses to do what we ask him to do. He’s 15 and very smart, but he’s not able to take care of himself.

When do you stop being “the parent” and let them take care of themselves? Parenting is much harder than anything I’ve ever done.

— DIFFICULT IN TEXAS

DEAR DIFFICULT: Some parents start teaching their children to be independent well before their teens by giving them responsibilities. Others do it as their children mature and feel that by age 18 or 21 their supervision is no longer necessary. There are also parents who feel their job is never over and encourage their adult children to remain dependent into their 30s, 40s and beyond.

Unfortunately, parenthood doesn’t come with a rule book, so the decision about when and how to step back is up to you and their father, if he is present in their lives.

DEAR ABBY: When I had my two children in my 40s, I had zero idea of how hard it would be. One has autism; the other I have four nieces I adore. As they’re getting older, preteen to teen, I give them checks for birthdays and holidays. I have told them I do it because I want them to learn about banking, saving money for college, as well as enjoying some of it. My grandmother did the same for me when I was their age, and that’s how I learned to manage the money I have.

I have noticed, though, that my nieces haven’t deposited their checks. I mentioned it to them a few times and their mom said they would, but they haven’t. It has been five months now. Should I just give them cash in the future and forget about the banking and money-management lesson?

— LESSONS LEARNED IN WASHINGTON

DEAR LESSONS: If this is the first time you have noticed the checks haven’t been cashed, it’s possible that they have been lost or misplaced. If this isn’t the first time, then ask their mother how SHE would prefer you give your nieces the money in the future, because it’s possible that she hasn’t set up accounts for them.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www. Dearabby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.