Attraction throws married woman

Dear Amy: I’m a happily married woman. My husband of 10 years and I are parents of a daughter.

I recently went on a volunteering trip to Asia. We were a group of women volunteers from all over the world. Something changed for me during my time there, as I became incredibly attracted to one of the girls in the group. I have to say I fell in love. We were working for a common goal and I found her down-to-earth and original. I never told her about this. I felt that maybe she felt the same way, but I am not sure.

She has a boyfriend. I always knew I was bisexual but never acted on it. I’ve never been involved with any women, as I am very happy with my husband. I wanted to talk to her about this while we were there, but I never got a chance.

We are all back in our own countries now. I thought I would emerge from this, but I can’t stop thinking about her. One part of me says I should tell her, but another part tells me not to mess with her head as I am not expecting anything out of this.

But I do need closure, somehow. Please, can you suggest what to do? I have a feeling I should just tell her and see what happens, but I am scared that she might hate me if I reveal my feelings. I am just torn and tired of this feeling. I’m sad that I can’t tell anyone.

— Need Closure

Dear Need Closure: People in happy marriages often encounter other people whom they feel sexually and/or emotionally attracted to. It is easy to fall like this when you are away from your quotidian spousal, parental and professional responsibilities, working in a faraway place toward a shared goal.

If you want to continue in your marriage, one way to cope with your attraction is to recognize that the connection with your life partner is the primary and most important one in your life. The ability to make choices is one of the privileges of being a mature human; the choice to commit fully to your partner is both unselfish and ethical.

In terms of disclosing this attraction to the other woman, before making your decision, you should ask (and answer) the age-old question: “What purpose would it serve?” If it would serve the greater good for you to communicate this, honestly and authentically, then you should.

If you are struggling with your sexuality in the larger context of your life and marriage, you could disclose and explore this with a compassionate therapist.

Dear Amy: My sister is toxic. She holds grudges against our parents and continually brings things up from years ago. She has encouraged me to be spiteful and mean to our mom, as she has been.

Last year there were several incidents in which she went quite overboard with her behavior and did not respect boundaries. I then decided that I cannot continue having a relationship with her and told her so.

She has been expressing some remorse to our mother for her behavior toward me. But I feel much better with no contact. I have not told our mother the depths of my sister’s behavior, but I have told Mom that it is between the two of us.

I am not being honest with my mom in order to spare her feelings, but on the other hand she might be judging me harshly because I don’t want to have a relationship with my sister.

How do I wrap my head around this? Should I just tell my mom and risk hurting her?

— Unsure

Dear Unsure: Do not use your mother as a go-between. When she tries to mediate, say, “Mom, I understand that this is hard for you, but I want you to be patient and not get involved. Less contact is actually best for me right now, but if my sister wants to reach out to me, she knows how to find me.”

Dear Amy: Upset Mom” was wondering how to help her adult children to get along better. I used to be very frustrated when my mother would refuse to even discuss (not to mention take sides in) our disputes.

Now that she is gone, I see that her instinct was to try to prepare us for life without her.

— Missing Mom

Dear Missing: Mom knew best.

Copyright 2019 by Amy Dickinson

Distributed by Tribune Content Agency

ARIES (March 21-April 19) — Today is a 7 — Take care of something you’ve been neglecting. Especially nurture your health and wellness. Harmony requires effort. Keep a low profile. Follow rules carefully.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) — Today is an 8 — Express your affection and appreciation for your team. Things may not go as planned. Steadily advance a shared vision. Set your goals high.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) — Today is a 9 — Focus on professional priorities. The action is behind the scenes. Resist attractive offers proudly. Important people are watching. Know what you’re talking about.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) — Today is a 7 — Try exotic flavors and concepts. Not every experiment produces a winner. Heed recommendations and warnings. Humility is a virtue. Maintain tight security, especially when traveling.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) — Today is an 8 — Consider all financial possibilities with a shared venture. Stick to the budget. Avoid buying toys you don’t need. Stay practical. Your discipline is admirable.

VIRGO (Aug. 23Sept. 22) — Today is a 7 — Keep a positive attitude, especially when your partner doesn’t. Stay out of someone else’s argument. Avoid risk or fuss. Do something fun together.