He ruins plans, she goes ALL CAPS

Dear Amy: My husband has a habit of getting involved in family or social events and at the last minute making changes to the plans. Prior to the “last minute,” he has NO involvement. What he does is mess everything up a day or two beforehand.

Father’s Day was my last straw. Our GROWN children had planned a cookout at one son’s house. They had coordinated it and assigned dishes for each to bring.

Friday evening, my husband asked what time Father’s Day dinner was on Sunday. I said I didn’t know. So he started saying, “I want Father’s Day here! This is my holiday and my house, and I want it here.”

Amy, my father passed away last month. My husband said, “So are we never having Father’s Day for the rest of our lives because your dad died?” I was shocked and angry. I replied, “I am not having it this year, and I NEVER PLAN ON HAVING IT, as you have FOUR ADULT CHILDREN, and I do every birthday and holiday. They can do Father’s Day!”

He then said, “I’m not comfortable anywhere but my own house,” which is UNTRUE. What’s wrong with him?

— No Father’s Day

Dear No Father’s Day: I don’t know what’s wrong with him, but let’s try to figure out where you went off the rails:

Your kids had planned a dinner for their father at your son’s house. Your husband tried to derail it by changing the venue. You could have said, “Honey, call your son. This isn’t my holiday to arrange. It’s called ‘Father’s Day,’ not ‘Husband’s Day.’”

I am sorry you two had this dust-up so soon after your father’s death. These days are emotionally loaded, and your husband was not compassionate or supportive. He was outright unkind to you.

I hope you can create some healthy boundaries so that his behavior doesn’t affect you so much. Try calmly saying (no ALL CAPS), “The plans have been made. If you want things to be different, you’ll have to step up, take some responsibility, and plan them on your own.”

Dear Amy: We live in a national historic district, and some neighboring homes have been featured in films and TV series. People come from all over the world to see the houses and take pictures of them.

Almost every day, tourists come in massive recreational vehicles and vans. They park in front of these sites, blocking not only the sightlines of their cameratoting peers but also those of the people who live in and maintain the houses. I’ve also seen this behavior at national parks and the like, not to mention those who park so close to corners that their vehicles block drivers from seeing cross traffic. Can you get the word out, please?

— Frustrated

Dear Frustrated: A giant RV is the ultimate photo-bomb. I’m happy to spread the word.

Dear Amy: Thank you for your thoughtful reply to “Needs an Intervention,” whose daughter appears to have a hoarding disorder. As you stated, this is a complex, chronic condition that requires patience and the ability to try lots of options.

In addition to the mental health conditions you list, people with hoarding behaviors may also be challenged by executive function deficits, such as chronic disorganization seen with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and other processing problems. This is acerbated in older age.

The biggest challenge will be to find someone low-cost who can work with the daughter to teach her how to make decisions about belongings and what is OK to discard, and how to organize the rest. This is especially true for people who do not have HD but chronic disorganization; they literally don’t see it. This type of help is very difficult to find.

If there is a “Buried in Treasures” workshop near her, it can teach skills and help reduce acquiring behaviors and clutter while providing a supportive network. I work with people who have clutter and HD in their lives. Rarely does anyone want to live that way; they are overwhelmed with how to dig themselves out. Thanks for helping this family get started.

— Mallory von Kugelgen, RN, PHN, Santa Clara Senior Center, Santa Clara, California

Dear Mallory: I applaud the work you do with seniors. Thank you so much for the recommendation.

Copyright 2019 by Amy Dickinson

Distributed by Tribune Content Agency

ARIES (March 21April 19) — Today is an 8 — Keep equipment repaired. Delays, misunderstandings or mistakes could frustrate your work and health over three weeks, with Mercury retrograde. Slow down to get done faster.

TAURUS (April 20May 20) — Today is a 7 — Romantic overtures could backfire over the next three weeks, with Mercury retrograde. Clarify misunderstandings right away. Find your sense of humor, and reconnect.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) — Today is a 6 — Clean, sort and organize at home, with Mercury retrograde for three weeks. Review papers, photos and possessions. Repair appliances, and backup files. Refine household infrastructure.

CANCER (June 21July 22) — Today is a 7 — Take extra care with communications, with Mercury retrograde. Clear up misunderstandings as soon as possible. Launch creative projects after three weeks. Plan and prepare.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) — Today is an 8 — Monitor cash flow closely. Allow extra time for travel, transport, invoices and collections, with Mercury retrograde for three weeks. Doublecheck numbers. Review financial records and budgets.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) — Today is an 8 — Upgrade your brand. Consider consequences before you speak, with Mercury retrograde in your sign. Figure out what works and what doesn’t. Reaffirm commitments.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) — Today is a 6 — Avoid misunderstandings, with Mercury retrograde. Revise and refine the message. Delays or breakdowns could affect mechanical equipment. Make repairs immediately. Re-establish old bonds.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23Nov. 21) — Today is a 7 — Practice makes perfect with team activities over three weeks, with Mercury retrograde. Nurture old friends and connections. Have patience and humor with communication snafus.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) — Today is a 7 — Review professional data closely, with Mercury retrograde for three weeks. Misunderstandings could cause delays. Guard against communication breakdowns. Backup hard drives and archives.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) — Today is an 8 — Make educational plans and itineraries over the next three weeks for later travels, with Mercury retrograde. Communicate carefully. Keep confidences and secrets. Make your deadlines.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) — Today is a 7 — Review statements and account activity for errors. Double-check financial data over the next three weeks, with Mercury retrograde. Pay bills. Secure what you’ve gained.

PISCES (Feb. 19March 20) — Today is a 7 — Develop shared goals. Resolve misunderstandings with a partner, with Mercury retrograde for three weeks. Support each other through breakdowns. Regroup and go again.