The importance of listening to others
Most people want to talk about their life, their woes, their challenges, their victories. Paying attention to them often is the best thing we can do.
The young woman looked sad and fatigued from behind the counter at a gas station near my home. I approached her with my usual greeting.
“How ya’ doin today?” I asked, pulling out my wallet to pay for a midnight snack.
“Just OK,” she replied with a shrug.
“Oh? Sorry to hear it,” I said.
She paused for a second, then told me about the painful divorce she’s going through, her cheating husband that caused it, and her children’s struggles over wanting to see their daddy despite what he did. She stared off for a moment, possibly to absorb what she just told a stranger.
“I know what it feels like to go through a divorce. It can be rough,” I replied, slowing my usual hurried pace and standing there without saying anything more.
She continued for another minute or so about her troubles. She would have elaborated more except for the line of customers behind me.
“I really hope things work out for you, especially for your kids,” I said before walking away.
Although a crucial part of my job as a writer is to shut up and listen to others, this woman didn’t know my occupation. She would have opened up to anyone who asked, “So how are you doing today?” The majority of people want to talk about their life, their woes, their challenges, their victories.
Some want it conversationally, others need it desperately. It could come down to how you approach them.
Do you give eye-to-eye contact? Do you wait for a response before talking again?
Does your face reflect concern, not apathy? These nonverbal social cues play a vital role in how we interact with each other.
We habitually greet each other the same way, pulling an obligatory line out of our back pocket like a wallet or a cell phone. It’s rare for us to show genuine concern during these social encounters. And I understand that we don’t have time to ask everyone in our daily orbit how they are feeling during casual interactions.
Yet every so often, we cross paths with someone who obviously wants to be asked. Maybe loneliness is stalking him or her like a shadow. Or maybe he or she needs a makeshift confessional booth. No church needed. Just someone to listen. Without judgment, ideally.
This is when, “How ya doin’?” could be replaced with “How are you feeling today?”
I’ve asked both versions of this question thousands of times to strangers. Most people reply with a similar pat response. Some of them, though, overlook the greeting aspect, instead focusing on the question aspect. This is exactly what the young woman at the gas station did.
I felt as if I should have stayed longer at the gas station counter. Simply to listen to her, not to give advice. Not to talk about, say, my divorce. Not to pivot the conversation to another less delicate topic. Just to shut up and listen.
This is more challenging than it sounds. Try it sometime. Intentionally. Sincerely. Shut up and listen — even for a minute or two — to someone who may need to share feelings. Even if it’s a stranger. It’s often easier if it is a stranger. Then you have no obligation to do anything more than listen. No other action is required of you.
I’m not the only one working in an industry that relies on listening to be successful. Other professions rely on it, too, from barbers to bartenders. I watched this in action when working on a column about Jeffery Colby, the third-generation owner of the Playboy Barber & Style Shop in Gary.
An unspoken aspect of his job is to simply listen to his customers. Some of them probably don’t need much of a haircut at all. They need someone to listen to them. If it costs $15 or $20 or whatever, so be it. It’s worth the cost.
The woman who cuts my hair confirmed this for me. She continually reminds herself to let her clients talk without interrupting them. It’s more difficult than it seems. It’s human nature to talk, and talk, and talk.
If you doubt this, try to stop talking in any social situation and instead listen to other people’s conversations.
Some people just can’t stay quiet. They. Never. Shut. Up.
At times, I’m no better. For my job, I record my conversations with sources. This way, I can retrieve accurate quotes, voice inflections or background sounds for stronger narrative writing. Trouble is, when I play back these recordings, I hear myself talking way too much. This is when I tell myself to shut up.
There’s a thin line between sharing a dialogue and hijacking a conversation. Too many of us are verbal hijackers, taking over the controls of a conversation until it crashes. Meanwhile, there are people desperate to be heard, no matter how briefly.
“Listening is an Act of Love,” the title of a best-selling book I once read, is also a reminder how altruism can include the loving gesture of listening. Nothing more.
On a recent Christmas Eve, I drove past a woman standing outside the Strack & Van Til grocery store in Chesterton. She was likely in her 30s. She wore ripped jeans, a black hoodie and a nervous smile. She silently asked for money from passing motorists while holding a handmade cardboard sign: “Single mother of two lost job. Struggling, need help with rent and Xmass.”
I pulled over my car to give her a few bucks. I also gave her my ear for a few minutes. I think she appreciated my ear more than my money.
To this day, I wonder what happened to her.
Hopefully, her sign was never used again.
There are people everywhere who are practically begging us to listen to them.
They, too, are displaying signs, if only we’re paying enough attention.