She is safe but stifled by loving mom

Dear Amy: I am a single, 35-year-old woman with a successful career. I am an only child. I work in a safe area and live about 10 minutes from my parents.

My mother has been a devoted homemaker ever since I was born, and she is one of the sweetest, smartest and most caring people I have ever known. However, she tends to worry constantly about the people she loves.

Well into my late 20s, if I did not call her the minute I left work, she would be worried sick and would even send my father to check on me. We had some stressful conversations, and it got better. However, I still feel stifled. For instance, I tend to travel with friends, but I also have taken a couple of solo trips. I have gone to very safe places and have stayed in touch with my parents during these trips.

My mother recently said that she had serious anxiety when I have taken these trips. She insists that I never travel alone again.

She recently became so anxious about an outing I was taking with friends to our very safe downtown area that she insisted that I carpool with them instead of using my own transportation.

I have tried telling my mother how stifled I sometimes feel. She says that I am being oblivious to my own safety as a single woman and that she would not worry if I had a husband to protect me.

I am not in a rush to marry the wrong person simply to gain a bodyguard, and I have never put my life on hold with the travels and activities I enjoy.

It would be one thing if my mom were a manipulative person, but since she is so sweet, it is a bit tougher for me to know how to view this. Am I being oblivious about my own safety?

— Loving Daughter

Dear Daughter: Your close and loving relationship with your mother may have prevented you from going through the important developmental stage that most children experience when they are teenagers — when they rebel, push back and differentiate from their parents.

These “stressful conversations” you have had with your mother regarding her extreme anxiety and control are a delayed effort on your part to create a life that is appropriately separate from hers.

And she may be very sweet, but she is also using her anxiety to manipulate you. Understand and come to terms with this. You are going to have to be emotionally brave and tougher with your mother regarding the impact of her fearful behavior on your life.

This level of worry and control IS stifling for a 35-year-old. But even if it weren’t, you have the right to your own feelings and reactions!

Lovingly push back. Urge your mother to seek outside therapeutic help for her extreme anxiety, which does seem quite beyond the norm.

Dear Amy: I was married for 30 years when my husband filed for divorce. I was in surgery that day.

We have four daughters. I feel truly defeated that their father treats me so poorly. I don’t have any brothers or sons. My father divorced my mom for a woman 40 younger than he.

For the sake of myself and our daughters, is it worth it asking my ex for a second chance to start over?

Our daughters have only seen failed marriages in their lives. Their dad has no compassion or empathy that I know of.

— Second Chance

Dear Second Chance: I understand your impulse — to try to show your daughters what a successful marriage might look like — but begging their father for a second chance is not the way to do it.

Your daughters might be better served by watching you make your own way in the world, using your own second chance to build an independent and fulfilling life, complete with the opportunity to meet and match with a person who treats you as you deserve to be treated.

Dear Amy: “Queasy in Florida” described a dinner partner at her retirement community who picked her teeth at the table. I cannot believe that you suggested that Queasy should embarrass this woman in public! An anonymous note would be much better!

— Upset

Dear Upset: I would never suggest that someone embarrass anyone in public. I suggested that “Queasy” speak with her, privately, through “a discreet message, delivered in person” after the meal.

Copyright 2019 by Amy Dickinson

Distributed by Tribune Content Agency

ARIES (March 21April 19) — Today is an 8 — Support a community cause close to your heart. Make a delightful discovery. Connect with likeminded friends and visualize winning. Play with a great team.

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