CDC party guidelines won’t see halftime

It’s anti-American to ask NFL fanatics who are attending Super Bowl parties Sunday to sport a mask through all four quarters, sit 6 feet away from each other at all times, avoid high-fiving other fans, and refuse sharing their fattening snack foods. Not to mention taunting, accidental spitting and sharing swigs of alcoholic beverages from the same cup, bottle or cleated shoe.

Yet this is what the CDC is recommending to rabid football fans and other guests to avoid turning these annual parties into super spreader events. “Avoid shouting, cheering loudly, or singing,” the CDC recommends on its website. “Clap, stomp your feet, or bring (or provide) handheld noisemakers instead.” Seriously? Puh-lease.

Are fans at these parties actually going to abide by all of the CDC guidelines? Of course not. And for those fans who start out doing so, by halftime they’ll be loosening up their social restrictions and returning to their old habits at any Super Bowl party. Booze will serve as the perfect social lubricant or the ideal excuse.

“Remember, whichever team you’re rooting for and whichever commercial is your favorite, please watch the Super Bowl safely, gathering only virtually or with the people you live with,” CDC Director Rochelle Walensky said at a White House briefing.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, aka Dr. Fuddy-Duddy, suggests to fans, “Just lay low and cool it.”

“You don’t want parties with people that you haven’t had much contact with,” Fauci told NBC’s “Today” show. “You just don’t

know if they’re infected.”

He’s talking about the infection of COVID-19 and its new mutant variants.

I’m talking about the infection of Super Bowl habits that date back decades for many fans. If they get together to watch the Big Game, they’re going to ignore most CDC recommendations. Maybe not early on, but likely as the game progresses and new precautions get sacked for a loss.

Facial masks that properly cover the nose and mouth at kickoff will be barely dangling from an ear by the second quarter. Most fans will call an audible at the line of tradition and revert to their Super Bowl Sunday customs. The best of intentions will get intercepted by years of habitual cheering, high-fiving, yelling and spontaneous hugging.

“Gathering virtually or with the people you live with is the safest way to celebrate the Super Bowl this year,” the CDC tells fans. “If you do have a small gathering with people who don’t live with you, outdoors is safer than indoors.”

Not Sunday in Northwest Indiana and the Chicago metropolitan area, where temps will be hovering around zero at game time. Any outdoor gatherings will be an impossibility except for those shirtless Packers fans who are still steaming over their team’s loss to the Buccaneers two weeks ago.

Along with most other NFL fans, we’ve been waiting months for the Super Bowl, a glorified form of 21st century barbarism. Why?

Because millions of us will again converge at a virtual colosseum to watch fabled gladiators do battle with each other, strictly for our entertainment. They’ll do so despite repeated concussions and potential long-term brain damage.

They’ll keep colliding with each other on a gridiron for our bloodlust pleasure as we cheer or jeer, just like our primitive ancestors may have done.

The ongoing pandemic in 2021 will do nothing to disrupt our ageless zeal for such savagery in the name of sport.

Don’t get me wrong. I love every second of it.

Even more so, I love betting on it.

From a sports betting perspective, no other single event compares to the Super Bowl. On my sportsbook apps, I can place wagers on every imaginable aspect of Sunday’s game between the Chiefs and Bucs. Color of Gatorade? (Orange is +125, purple is +800.) Coin toss outcome? (Heads -103.) Fat Man TD? (+2000 if any offensive lineman scores a touchdown.)

I’ve already placed a dozen or so nickel-anddime bets on Sunday’s game, all wagered from the comfort of my iPhone, not at a brick-and-mortar casino. Even before the pandemic, this is the future for sports betting and internet gambling, forecast to become a $15 billion annual market by 2025, an increase of 27% over current figures, according to Morgan Stanley.

FanDuel sportsbook says 53% of money line bets are on the Buccaneers and Tom Brady, 67% of spread bets are on the Chiefs (-3) and Patrick Mahomes, and 73% of bettors are taking the “over” on total points by both teams (at 55.5). This means that fans expect a high-scoring shootout, which will surely get fans to cheer more, physically interact with others, and probably spread more germs to anyone in their air space.

“Stay home if you are sick or have been near someone who thinks they may have or have been exposed to COVID-19,” the CDC tells fans. “This year, choose a safer way to enjoy the game.”

Such as what? Hosting a virtual watch party and wearing jerseys with your favorite team’s logo or colors.

Or starting a text group with other fans to chat about the game while watching it alone. If you must watch the game with other fans, avoid using the restroom during busy times, such as at halftime or after the game.

Yeah, OK. Sure.

“It’s OK if you decide to stay home and remain apart from others,” the CDC says.

Finally, a public health recommendation that scores points with me.

jdavich@post-trib.com