A reminder to those living in fear: Help is available
Tinley Park residents were still processing the horror of a mother and her daughters being gunned down on a chilly Sunday morning when news began to break that another family massacre had occurred just 20 miles west in Joliet.
As residents of southwest suburbia grapple to make sense of the Jan. 21 killings, during which members of two different families were slaughtered, Pam Kostecki, executive director of the Crisis Center for South Suburbia (www.crisisctr. org; 24-hour hotline: 708-429-7233), wants to remind anyone living in fear of a partner or family member that there is help out there.
“There is hope,” Kostecki said.
“Last year, we saved
3,741 lives. We provided intensive services to that many victims of domestic violence and supported their survivor journey,” she said.
“There are more than 50 domestic violence organizations across our state. We will believe you, will help you make a safety plan and we will help you with the resources you may need to break free from a situation of power and control,” she said.
According to the
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have
experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner.
In Illinois, the coalition states, 41.5% of women and 25.9% of men experience intimate partner physical violence, intimate partner sexual violence and/or intimate partner stalking during their lifetimes.
Domestic violence does not discriminate, Kostecki said.
It occurs in all kinds of relationships, and across all cultures and socio-economic groups.
Though the circumstances of the Tinley Park and Joliet killings are very different, Kostecki said, both can be considered domestic violence because the gunmen killed family
members within the home.
In the Tinley Park case, Maher Kassem, 63, is being held on charges he murdered his wife and three adult daughters.
In the Joliet case, 23-year-old Romeo Nance allegedly killed his mother, sisters, aunt and uncle in two houses before shooting two more acquaintances later, killing one, and then taking his own life the following day.
Were there warning signs the perpetrators could go off the rails? In many cases, Kostecki said, there are, but people are reluctant to seek help.
Though home violence can take a neighborhood by surprise, often the victims have long been living in
fear that a certain family member will potentially explode.
The time to seek help or to develop a safety plan is before a situation escalates, Kostecki said.
“It’s hard to come forward and say, ‘The person I love, the person I had children with, the person I devoted my life to, or the person who’s supposed to love me back, is abusing me or threatening to kill me,’ ” she said. “(Because) you can’t reconcile it in your own mind, you project how you think others will react, and others do react that way sometimes.”
The silence of domestic violence is driven by fear and shame, Kostecki said.
Victims are afraid others will minimize the behavior, or not believe it at all, she said.
The truth is, she said, “People often do not know what goes on behind closed doors. It’s common practice in our society for family secrets to stay family secrets.”
And some cultures preserve that secrecy at all costs, she said.
It is because of secrecy, she added, that child abuse, sexual abuse, any kind of abuse can continue.
When a firearm is readily available, Kostecki said, a domestic disturbance can quickly escalate to homicide.
“There is a 500% higher chance that it will end in death if there is a gun involved,” she said.
A situation can go from “zero to 60 in a of couple seconds when a firearm is in the home.”
If there was no gun involved in either of these situations, Kostecki said, people would have had at least a chance of getting away, of finding safety or calling for help.
“One of the things we try to communicate and incorporate into safety plans for victims who are aware of weapons in the house are strategies.
“Put a lock on the gun, lock it in a safe, and then lock the safe in a closet,” she said.
Buy time with steps that curb impulsivity, she said.
Another important thing to understand, she said, is that abusers often try to blame their behavior on their victims.
“No matter how much effort goes into manipulating the narrative to make it seem like it’s your fault, it is not,” she said.
Abusers, she added, can be brilliant when it comes to manipulation.
Though it’s perhaps unclear, or complicated, how someone becomes an abuser, their victims are often drawn to what appears to be love.
But understand, Kostecki said, that love should not hurt.