Older man believes daughter has ‘quit’ him
Dear Amy: As an older male I have seen fundamental changes in all types of relationships.
One change is a reduction in work ambition. Some people chose “quiet quitting” — to do as little as possible and still keep their job.
I see “quiet quitting” in relationships as well, and my daughter has chosen to quietly quit her relationship with me. She seems happy to see me when we get together (rarely) and there is always a “love you” somewhere — but that’s it.
Her mother and I got divorced 15 years ago when my kids were teenagers. They lived with her full time. I know that my ex does her best to poison their relationship with me.
My daughter and her husband never proactively contact me or offer to get together, even though I live nearby. I suggest that they come to my home to celebrate my birthday — but it never happens.
She and her husband had Easter dinner with her mother, but she didn’t even bother to give me a “Happy Easter” phone call. She even had her mother give her away at her wedding, even though she and her fiance made sure to visit me to get a substantial check for half the wedding cost.
I have chosen to not only write her completely out of my will, but I will not leave any money to her new child. Instead, I will leave everything to my son.
I will have multiple millions of dollars in my estate and, as I take my last breaths in life, I will have a sense of pleasure knowing how shocked she and her husband will be when my will is read.
Dear Dad: Your daughter seems happy to see you when she sees you. She tells you she loves you. To me, this sounds like a relationship that has some strains at the seams, but also room for growth.
If your ex has poisoned your daughter toward you, then — as her father — can’t you hold some compassion toward her? You seem to be blaming your daughter for a dynamic created by her mother’s behavior during an extremely important and emotionally formative time in a teen’s life.
You are obviously hurt, but there are areas where you could work harder to try to knit together the shreds of this relationship.
You could tell your daughter that you are sorry she and her brother endured a tough divorce. You could tell her that you would like to build a better relationship with her now. You could express that you feel wounded because you would like to be closer, but you’re not sure how to go about it. You could ask if she is willing to try.
Furthermore, your attitude toward your baby grandchild is completely misplaced. What has this baby ever done to you? Your rage is not good for you. Furthermore, just to point out the obvious: You seem to be the quitter, here.
Dear Amy: I have a friend who is my age (late 50s). She has grown children and a good career, but, since her divorce, has never had a long-term happy relationship. She is on all the dating sites and dates many times per week.
I don’t choose to date right now. I am content to be on my own. I know I am lucky to be content. I don’t want to hear all the news around this topic — it doesn’t interest me. It’s been years of these stories, and I would prefer to discuss something else.
We work together, so I can’t drop contact. How do I set a boundary about this?
—R
Dear R: All of us are called upon to occasionally be tolerant about topics that don’t interest us. If your friend’s nattering exceeds your limit, be polite, but blunt: “Can I be honest? I know this is important to you, but I also know that you have a lot more going on than your dating life. Can we switch topics?” Dear Amy: Your response to “Polite Gentleman” surprised me. This guy merely expressed his opinion on people being addressed as “Ladies and Gentlemen,” and you ripped into him!
— Distressed
“Polite Gentleman” expressed his opinion and asked for mine. In doing so, I explained the modern reasons not to divide people into the binary of “ladies and gentlemen.” I don’t consider this a “ripping,” though I assume that he probably felt stretched.