Son is consumed by regret
I brought my 68-yearold immigrant father to live with me permanently with the intention of caring for him. He was completely dependent. Halfway through the year, I got angry, told him to move back and vowed to myself I would never ever care for him again. It wasn’t that he did anything wrong; I don’t know why I got so angry.
He wound up living alone, being helped by his friends. I visited him, but I became disconnected. I knew he was suffering, but I couldn’t bring myself to bring him back to live with me. I was extraordinarily cruel, and it hurt him deeply. I let his green card lapse. He passed away two years later.
Since then, I have been overwhelmed with guilt. As a son, I should have cared for my father.
I have been crying and asking for forgiveness. Please tell me how I can move forward.
Performing the role of caregiver is an enormous undertaking. While it can be rewarding, it can also be exhausting, unrelenting and stressful. Caregivers have been known to lose their tempers because of the pressure, but because you had bitten off more than you could chew, your reaction was extreme.
If you are religious, talk about this with your clergyperson. If you aren’t, please consider scheduling some appointments with a licensed mental health professional who can help you more fully understand what happened between you and your father and help you cope with your guilt. And in the future — once you are able — consider atoning by volunteering for a charity that serves the elderly.
I have been married to a functioning alcoholic for more than 30 years. He was once funny and nice and a good dad.
But over the years he has become unbearable to live with. He doesn’t shower or brush his teeth. He was always mainly a beer drinker, but now he is drinking hard liquor and stays drunk most of the time he is awake.
I told him I thought he was depressed and a severe alcoholic, and he should talk to his doctor, but he refuses. I am pretty sure he is drinking on the job, and I’m scared he will hurt himself. I am ready to leave him, but afraid that if I do, he will be completely lost. Please guide me.
Because he refuses to talk to his doctor about this, you should. I hope you are beginning to realize that, on the path he is on, you cannot “save” him. I have mentioned AlAnon many times in my column. You will gain insight about what to do next if you attend some of their meetings. Find one by going to al-anon.org/info.