Man fails to embrace new role
DEAR ABBY ❯❯ My husband and I were raised within religious communities. Among other conservative values, we were taught that a wife is to be responsible for domestic labor, and a husband is to be the primary breadwinner outside the home (yes, even in the '90s and 2000s). We were still deeply involved in these communities when we married at 21 and 22.
I wasn't physically attracted to my husband at the time of our courtship or marriage, but he was (and still is) very kind to me. I was led to believe I was following God's path by getting married, and the union allowed me to escape my domineering father.
The initial relief and freedom I experienced slowly evolved into feelings of resentment when I started realizing my husband is not equipped, emotionally or intellectually, to provide for the family I hoped for. Luckily, we have agreed that many of our families' traditional values are simply not serving our needs.
I now enjoy a career and provide the majority of our income. I'm still responsible for most of the housework, despite many conversations about balancing the labor. My husband recognizes that he needs to step up, but has struggled to follow through. His heart is in the right place, but that doesn't help me.
I feel burned out and alone. We have been in marriage counseling for a year; nothing has changed. I want a partner I can count on. Am I chasing a fantasy?
— Disillusioned in Washington
DEAR DISILLUSIONED ❯❯ I'm sorry to say this, but I'm afraid you may be. While you have escaped it, your husband is still trapped in the role he was raised to believe was his. The question really is, can he recognize this and adapt to the new circumstances? It would be wonderful if he could, but if it isn't in the cards, you should not start a family with him.
DEAR ABBY ❯❯ My son married in 2016. Because of his wife's drug use, he divorced her in 2018. Before their wedding, I crocheted her a shawl as a gift. (My late mother lined it.) It was a stunning piece. She never took it out of its packaging.
My son ran across it a few weeks ago. Now that I have it back, I don't know what to do with it. I know of some upcoming weddings, but I feel if I explain what it is, it would be considered unlucky. Should I donate it to charity?
— Undecided in Illinois
DEAR UNDECIDED ❯❯ Because you are hesitant to give the shawl to anyone because of possible bad karma, feel free to donate it so someone can appreciate the work and love that went into creating it. (You could also use it yourself, unless you are afraid the bad luck could rub off on you.)
Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com.