The Five Pregnancy Realities No One Tells You
Finally, some # RealTalk about pregnancy!
Have you ever seen those lucky pregnant woman who seem to glide past you with their glowing, shimmery skin and perfectly shaped bump? They make me sick, it’s just not fair! Did you buy into the farce that being pregnant would turn you this radiant orb of maternal beauty and bliss who sings Disney Princess songs all day long?
Yeah, I fell for it too. It was a rude awakening when I realized that is was all a load of c** p. I wasn’t glowing, it was melasma. Check out this list of the realities of pregnancy that no one is considerate enough to tell you.
I don’t know about you, but I didn’t have morning sickness. Lucky me, right? WRONG!! I had all- F- ing- day sickness. It never ended. From the moment I woke up until the time I went to bed, even in the middle of the night, I was nauseous or vomiting. I was sick when I ate and sick when I was hungry. Every car ride required at least two stops to pull over and hurl on the side of the road and concluded at home with a mad dash up the stairs to the bathroom to yak again. The aromas of foods that I used to love made my stomach turn - as a waitress at the time, this one was really tough.
I actually found one thing that helped ease my queasiness - sniffing lemons. I walked around with a bag of lemons in my purse for nine months. You can’t make this stuff up.
Have you ever stopped to wonder why witch hazel pads are called tucks? I’ll let you in on a little secret - it’s because you’re going to use them to tuck little lumpy squishy pieces of skin back up inside your anus. They literally could not be named more appropriately. What causes these fleshy grape like butt tassels? Prenatal vitamins, that’s what. More accurately, it’s the extra iron they contain that plugs you up and makes pooping a nightmare. Your doctor probably gave you a polite warning that they may cause mild constipation. Well, I call B. S. on that one. Going to the bathroom when I was pregnant was traumatic. I think I pooped once a week and it was so painful that I cried before, during and after.
Shiny hair ( on your nipples)
Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair … Everyone says that pregnant women have such shiny, healthy looking hair, and I couldn’t wait to have long golden locks that shimmered. Nope! As the pretty blonde hair on my head was falling out by the handful, my chin, neck, belly and nipples were sprouting fabulous, coarse, dark hairs. How kind. Pregnancy hormones are to blame for this follicle foul- up. Don’t worry too much, though, as it will get better after you give birth, and by better, I mean that, to this day - 5 years later - I still have to shave my neck, my back, my ... You get the jist.
Glowing skin, that’ll be the melasma
Have you ever seen a pregnant woman who is positively glowing? A radiance exuding from every pore? That was me, well, it wasn’t exactly a radiant glow, more like brown and red patches on my cheeks and chin. I had melasma and I walked around looking like someone had slapped me. I was also part human, part snake. My cheeks would sometimes develop scales. Okay, they weren’t actually scales, it was dry skin caused by the melasma, also known as “pregnancy mask,” it wasn’t pretty.
With all the extra fluids your body makes, you may find that you’ve suddenly got a vagina that resembles two purple twinkies. Apparently, it’s completely normal, but let me tell you, it’s not pleasant. Now would be the time to be thankful that you can’t see below your bump. It can feel like you’ve got a bowling ball in between your legs. I recommend getting one of those donut pillow, although, you’ve most likely already bought one for the hemorrhoids.