The Five Preg­nancy Re­al­i­ties No One Tells You

Fi­nally, some # RealTalk about preg­nancy!

Raise Vegan - - Contents - by Juli e Nealon

Have you ever seen those lucky preg­nant woman who seem to glide past you with their glow­ing, shim­mery skin and per­fectly shaped bump? They make me sick, it’s just not fair! Did you buy into the farce that be­ing preg­nant would turn you this ra­di­ant orb of ma­ter­nal beauty and bliss who sings Dis­ney Princess songs all day long?

Yeah, I fell for it too. It was a rude awak­en­ing when I re­al­ized that is was all a load of c** p. I wasn’t glow­ing, it was melasma. Check out this list of the re­al­i­ties of preg­nancy that no one is con­sid­er­ate enough to tell you.

Morn­ing Sick­ness

I don’t know about you, but I didn’t have morn­ing sick­ness. Lucky me, right? WRONG!! I had all- F- ing- day sick­ness. It never ended. From the mo­ment I woke up un­til the time I went to bed, even in the mid­dle of the night, I was nau­seous or vom­it­ing. I was sick when I ate and sick when I was hun­gry. Every car ride re­quired at least two stops to pull over and hurl on the side of the road and con­cluded at home with a mad dash up the stairs to the bath­room to yak again. The aro­mas of foods that I used to love made my stom­ach turn - as a wait­ress at the time, this one was re­ally tough.

I ac­tu­ally found one thing that helped ease my queasi­ness - sniff­ing lemons. I walked around with a bag of lemons in my purse for nine months. You can’t make this stuff up.


Have you ever stopped to won­der why witch hazel pads are called tucks? I’ll let you in on a lit­tle se­cret - it’s be­cause you’re go­ing to use them to tuck lit­tle lumpy squishy pieces of skin back up in­side your anus. They lit­er­ally could not be named more ap­pro­pri­ately. What causes these fleshy grape like butt tas­sels? Pre­na­tal vi­ta­mins, that’s what. More ac­cu­rately, it’s the ex­tra iron they con­tain that plugs you up and makes poop­ing a night­mare. Your doc­tor prob­a­bly gave you a po­lite warn­ing that they may cause mild con­sti­pa­tion. Well, I call B. S. on that one. Go­ing to the bath­room when I was preg­nant was trau­matic. I think I pooped once a week and it was so painful that I cried be­fore, dur­ing and af­ter.

Shiny hair ( on your nip­ples)

Ra­pun­zel, Ra­pun­zel let down your hair … Ev­ery­one says that preg­nant women have such shiny, healthy look­ing hair, and I couldn’t wait to have long golden locks that shim­mered. Nope! As the pretty blonde hair on my head was fall­ing out by the hand­ful, my chin, neck, belly and nip­ples were sprout­ing fab­u­lous, coarse, dark hairs. How kind. Preg­nancy hor­mones are to blame for this fol­li­cle foul- up. Don’t worry too much, though, as it will get bet­ter af­ter you give birth, and by bet­ter, I mean that, to this day - 5 years later - I still have to shave my neck, my back, my ... You get the jist.

Glow­ing skin, that’ll be the melasma

Have you ever seen a preg­nant woman who is pos­i­tively glow­ing? A ra­di­ance ex­ud­ing from every pore? That was me, well, it wasn’t ex­actly a ra­di­ant glow, more like brown and red patches on my cheeks and chin. I had melasma and I walked around look­ing like some­one had slapped me. I was also part hu­man, part snake. My cheeks would some­times de­velop scales. Okay, they weren’t ac­tu­ally scales, it was dry skin caused by the melasma, also known as “preg­nancy mask,” it wasn’t pretty.

Swollen gen­i­tals

With all the ex­tra fluids your body makes, you may find that you’ve sud­denly got a vagina that re­sem­bles two pur­ple twinkies. Ap­par­ently, it’s com­pletely nor­mal, but let me tell you, it’s not pleas­ant. Now would be the time to be thank­ful that you can’t see be­low your bump. It can feel like you’ve got a bowl­ing ball in be­tween your legs. I rec­om­mend get­ting one of those donut pil­low, al­though, you’ve most likely al­ready bought one for the hem­or­rhoids.

Photo: Anna Koby­cheva

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