Unpaint That Picture
We humans are social. We have a strong desire (need) to be acknowledged and that’s why my #StartsWithOne movement is such a big deal. To witness another’s life and to be witnessed by another, those basic constructs are foundational to alleviating the existential dilemma’s pressure to define self. It comes down to, “I’m seen/acknowledged, therefore I am.”
The problem is, we miss things.
We’re just not that observant. In fact, we’re lazy, relying on a built-in psychological construct from infancy called Object Constancy. If a ball rolls behind a block, we anticipate that same ball will roll out from behind that block. If we park our car in a certain spot, we expect it to be the same car in the same spot when we come out.
It’s why magical illusions are so fascinating — what was once a woman is now a tiger! Poof!
The problem is that because we expect things to remain the same, we miss things about ourselves and we miss things about each other. We overlook the growth and development that we’ve each experienced. The old, “my how you’ve changed” exclamation that comes from grandparents typically expresses the reality of a difference in height from the last visit to present.
We don’t do the same for each other as adults. That could be a new greeting, instead of “Hi, how are you?” let’s begin with “Tell me what’s changed!”
As much as we each crave the novel experience, it’s a basic human need, so too do we rely on things remaining the same. We damage relationships with each other when we do so. And this is especially true in families. Reflect on how often people revert or feel like they’re expected to revert to some old childhood role when they visit “home.” This happens among family members who connect beyond the bounds of what used to be home.
Become intentionally aware.
We miss things… unless we’re deliberately vigilant. Here’s a quick practice you might want to take up: The next time you meet up with a family member or friend, even someone you talk to regularly, even someone you see daily —ask yourself, “what’s changed? Where has this person grown since I last connected with them?” Take inventory for yourself, as well.
It’s a great practice. If you’re going to be intentional about looking for the growth in others, start with that practice for yourself. How has your thinking changed since yesterday? What enlightening idea did you encounter? What new experience did you bring into your life that expanded your thought process? The answers could be found in something as simple as reading a post like this that invites you to examine your thinking or in a conversation with a friend who offers a unique perspective on world events.
What happens when someone offers their worldview? Do you argue your stance or might you take the time to understand their perspective? They’ve changed and you can’t see it if you’re stuck looking through your old glasses. Maybe their worldview hasn’t changed the way you’d like; maybe it’s gotten further solidified. Notice. Just notice.
You’ve changed and you know it.
You might not know all of it… yet.
You’re not the same person you were 20 years ago. You’re not the same person you were 10, five, or two years ago. You’re not the same person you were last year! Heck, look at how resilient and courageous you became! Might you acknowledge in some self-reflective place, that you’re not the same person you were last month, last week, or even yesterday?
I’m certainly not who I was. Not from 20 years ago, not from a couple of months ago, and not even from yesterday when a casual meeting with a friend sparked a new idea for how to reshape my business model. It affirmed something in me and changed my outlook. A casual meeting created a life-changing directional thrust. My lunch-date has no idea that our conversation had such an impact on my trajectory.
The problem is we miss things.
Most people won’t see the changes others have experienced unless they dare to ask. They won’t notice how thinking, personal worldview, or values have evolved. Sure, we can live them and model them, yet most people won’t see them unless they’re called out. We have a picture of who the other is or is supposed to be. That “supposed to” is a subconscious process based on the need for object constancy. We need each other to be who we were to each other.
Unless we don’t.
Growth is predicated on the expansion of life in all forms. Thought is the first place that any reality exists. First thought, then comes physical expression of that thought. To grow and encourage the growth in others, we need to unpaint the picture that we held.
What was is no longer what is.
Seek a new perspective. Look for what has changed in the world around you and especially in the people around you. Unpaint the picture enough to recognize that your life is dynamic. So too are the lives of others. The picture isn’t static. See yourself — and others — for who you each are now… and now… and now… and now….