Putting My Word-of-theday Calendar To Good Use

Department of Wit

JANUARY 1

A new year ahead, full of auspicious and promising things! Think I’ll stop by Dairy Queen for a Blizzard, but is that too auspicious this early in the year? Hard to say. Hard to say.

JANUARY 2

Had a fun breakfast with my girlfriend, Meredith. Risible, even. Later, I had a risible chat with Jeff at the watercooler.

It’s nice to be back at work, though my holidays were pretty risible, too, by which I guess I mean a situation or thing having qualities by which to provoke laughter and/or amusement.

JANUARY 3

Packed some pasta puttanesca for lunch today. I had a big presentation to make, which didn’t go so great. It went downhill when I described our first-quarter profits as having

“the consistency of a pasta puttanesca,” and my boss kept

JEREMY WOODCOCK won the Canadian Comedy Award for Best Writing in a TV Series or Special in 2015.

asking me to clarify what I meant. I tried, but he just got angrier, turning red like you know what.

JANUARY 4

Today’s page was missing from my calendar! That’s quite vexing ! Meredith had said that might happen, since the box seemed to have been opened when I bought it. I didn’t find it vexing at the time, but I guess I should have because now it’s very vexing to have had this happen! In the end, I just skipped to tomorrow’s word.

JANUARY 5

Another vexing

JANUARY 6

day. Meredith asked whether I’d go to the new Jennifer Lawrence movie with her. I said sure, but she’d have to check the times, since I’m not a soothsayer. Suddenly she asked me to sit down. She said I’d been acting weird and insisted that things had to change. OK, so just tell me that next time! I can’t guess—i’m not a soothsayer.

JANUARY 7

Today’s events can be summed up in one word: esplanade.

JANUARY 8

Meredith broke up with me. I can’t really glean why. I said, “Meredith, can you please move your stuff off the kitchen table? I can barely see the newspaper I’m reading to glean what happened in the world today!” Next thing I could glean, she’d lost it.

JANUARY 9

Got fired today. It happened in a really pusillanimous way.

I’m just working at my desk when my boss suddenly comes over and starts asking me whether I’ve been feeling OK. I mentioned my recent breakup but insisted it would be pretty pusillanimous to let that get me down. Next thing I knew, all my possessions, including my calendar, were in a box, and I was headed out the door.

JANUARY 10

I’m still hopeful, despite recent

dyspeptic events. I’m using my extra time to hasten my pilgrimage through my calendar. Now I can take a minute, an hour, or even a yoctosecond to really ruminate over that thing. I’ve been a bit itinerant lately, but I can vouchsafe that things will

ameliorate from here.

JANUARY 11

Lost my word-of-the-day calendar. Oh boy. This is vexing.

Today’s page was missing from my calendar. That’s quite vexing!