Put­ting My Word-of-theday Cal­en­dar To Good Use

Reader's Digest - - Voices Views - BY JEREMY WOOD­COCK

De­part­ment of Wit

JAN­UARY 1

A new year ahead, full of aus­pi­cious and promis­ing things! Think I’ll stop by Dairy Queen for a Bliz­zard, but is that too aus­pi­cious this early in the year? Hard to say. Hard to say.

JAN­UARY 2

Had a fun break­fast with my girl­friend, Mered­ith. Ris­i­ble, even. Later, I had a ris­i­ble chat with Jeff at the watercooler.

It’s nice to be back at work, though my hol­i­days were pretty ris­i­ble, too, by which I guess I mean a sit­u­a­tion or thing hav­ing qual­i­ties by which to pro­voke laugh­ter and/or amuse­ment.

JAN­UARY 3

Packed some pasta put­tanesca for lunch to­day. I had a big pre­sen­ta­tion to make, which didn’t go so great. It went down­hill when I de­scribed our first-quar­ter prof­its as hav­ing

“the con­sis­tency of a pasta put­tanesca,” and my boss kept

JEREMY WOOD­COCK won the Cana­dian Com­edy Award for Best Writ­ing in a TV Series or Spe­cial in 2015.

ask­ing me to clar­ify what I meant. I tried, but he just got an­grier, turn­ing red like you know what.

JAN­UARY 4

To­day’s page was miss­ing from my cal­en­dar! That’s quite vex­ing ! Mered­ith had said that might hap­pen, since the box seemed to have been opened when I bought it. I didn’t find it vex­ing at the time, but I guess I should have be­cause now it’s very vex­ing to have had this hap­pen! In the end, I just skipped to to­mor­row’s word.

JAN­UARY 5

An­other vex­ing

JAN­UARY 6

day. Mered­ith asked whether I’d go to the new Jen­nifer Lawrence movie with her. I said sure, but she’d have to check the times, since I’m not a sooth­sayer. Sud­denly she asked me to sit down. She said I’d been act­ing weird and in­sisted that things had to change. OK, so just tell me that next time! I can’t guess—i’m not a sooth­sayer.

JAN­UARY 7

To­day’s events can be summed up in one word: es­planade.

JAN­UARY 8

Mered­ith broke up with me. I can’t re­ally glean why. I said, “Mered­ith, can you please move your stuff off the kitchen ta­ble? I can barely see the news­pa­per I’m read­ing to glean what hap­pened in the world to­day!” Next thing I could glean, she’d lost it.

JAN­UARY 9

Got fired to­day. It hap­pened in a re­ally pusil­lan­i­mous way.

I’m just work­ing at my desk when my boss sud­denly comes over and starts ask­ing me whether I’ve been feel­ing OK. I men­tioned my re­cent breakup but in­sisted it would be pretty pusil­lan­i­mous to let that get me down. Next thing I knew, all my pos­ses­sions, in­clud­ing my cal­en­dar, were in a box, and I was headed out the door.

JAN­UARY 10

I’m still hope­ful, de­spite re­cent

dys­pep­tic events. I’m us­ing my ex­tra time to has­ten my pil­grim­age through my cal­en­dar. Now I can take a minute, an hour, or even a yoc­tosec­ond to re­ally ru­mi­nate over that thing. I’ve been a bit itin­er­ant lately, but I can vouch­safe that things will

ame­lio­rate from here.

JAN­UARY 11

Lost my word-of-the-day cal­en­dar. Oh boy. This is vex­ing.

To­day’s page was miss­ing from my cal­en­dar. That’s quite vex­ing!

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