Saying Sorry—and Meaning It

By LISA FIELDS

You messed up. You know it. Now what?

THERE’S MORE TO saying sorry than just saying “sorry.” In fact, a study led by researchers at Ohio State University found that effective apologies—in other words, ones that were accepted by the aggrieved and allowed both parties to move on with no lingering animosity—have six components: expressing regret, explaining what went wrong, acknowledging responsibility, declaring repentance, offering to repair the situation, and requesting forgiveness.

“The more of those components that were included, the more likely the apology was seen as credible,” says Roy Lewicki, lead author of the study.

That may seem like a lot to remember, but Lewicki found that two sentiments were the most essential: admission (acknowledgment of your responsibility and the other person’s feelings) and contrition (remorse and commitment to future change). “Acknowledgment of responsibility turned out to be the most important piece,” he says. Of course, not all screwups are created equal, so you might need to fine-tune your groveling depending on the circumstances.

Here are a few key tips.

Explain, Don’t Excuse Sincerity Trumps Timing

Did you screw up royally? A little cool-off time could help. “Sometimes an immediate apology is called for,” says Antony Manstead, a professor of psychology at Cardiff University in Wales. “But if the other party is angry at your perceived wrongdoing, it may be more effective to wait because their anger may prevent them from being receptive to an apology.”

Waiting can benefit you too. “The best time to apologize is when one feels ready to sincerely apologize,” says Etienne Mullet, research director of the Ethics and Work Laboratory at the Institute of Advanced Studies in Paris. “There is nothing worse in these situations than insincere apologies.” “Because admitting to being wrong is painful and can make people worried that they’re a bad person, they often water down their apology with excuses—statements that undermine the responsibility part of the apology to save face,” says Roger Giner-sorolla, a professor of social psychology at the University of Kent in England.

The worst sort of excuse? Fingerpointing. “Examples include ‘I certainly apologize if I offended anyone’ and ‘I’m very sorry, but in my defense, you started it,’” says Ryan Fehr, a professor of management at the University of Washington’s Foster School of Business. That sort of apology has a name: a nonapology.

“A nonapology is a statement such as ‘I’m sorry you were offended by my joke,’” Giner-sorolla says. “It uses the form of an apology—‘i’m sorry’—but follows it up by shifting responsibility to the offended person, implying he or she is too sensitive.”

“Don’t imply that the other person is wrong to feel upset or angry,” adds Mara Olekalns, a professor of management at Melbourne Business School. “This diminishes and invalidates his or her experience.”

Let Your Body Do the Talking

Experts agree that face-to-face apologies beat phoned-in, e-mailed, or handwritten ones. “Facial expressions, posture, and the tone of voice have all been shown to be important channels that convey sincerity when you express remorse,” Giner-sorolla says. “Anyone can type ‘I feel really ashamed,’ but if you say it live, it’s obvious whether or not you mean it.”

A phone call is second best:

You’ll convey emotions with your voice and get instant feedback. E-mailed apologies aren’t ideal. They’re devoid of emotional cues— and once you’ve typed them, the recipients can forward them to anyone. “A victim can exploit written apologies and do harm to the apologizer,” Mullet says. “Being a victim does not automatically transform a person into a good person.”