Life in These United States
in these United States
After my husband injured himself, I ran him over to the doctor’s office. There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave him instructions on how to care for it. She then reassured him by adding, “Now, if you do everything I’ve told you, you won’t be with us for long.”
—Trudy Masloff Portland, Oregon
In his late 80s, my father-in-law went to the DMV to renew his driver’s license. At one point during the road test, he approached a four-way stop, looked to his left, and cruised straight through the stop sign.
“Sir! You didn’t look to your right,” yelled the frightened inspector.
My father-in-law calmly shook his head. “That’s Mum’s side.” —Patricia L. Buck Windham, Maine
The topic of conversation was nose jobs. My slightly confused young daughter asked, “Where does the doctor get the new noses to replace the old ones?”
“They have a place that manufactures them,” I answered. “It’s called the ‘olfactory.’” —Wayne Eggleston Salt Lake City, Utah
While shopping for a bathroom scale, I found one that tracks not only weight but
“This is your great-grandma and greatgrandpa,” I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. “Do you think I look like them?” He shook his head. “Not yet.” —Veronica Dale Macomb, Michigan
also body fat, bone mass, and water percentage. I nixed that one in favor of a lowtech model. As I told the salesperson, “I don’t need to be depressed four ways; one is quite enough.” —Susie Battaglia Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.” —Jerry Seinfeld, comedian
Tracia and Patrick
Kraemer met at a nudist park and fell in love. “It was our third date before we saw each other dressed. And that was a good thing,” Tracia said, addressing Patrick, “’cause had I seen you dressed on the first date, I probably wouldn’t have dated you again. You wore those two different brown plaids together; that was terrible.” —npr.org
Spotted in the legal notices section of the Maryland-based Daily Times: Michael Ray Dipirro petitioned the circuit court to change his name to Michael Ray Forbes. His reason for doing so? “Ex-wife wants to keep my surname. She can have that too!”
—Barbara Benton Salisbury, Maryland Got a funny story about friends or family? It could be worth $$$. For details, go to rd.com/submit.