Reader's Digest

9 Really Practical Jokes

Some jokes just make you chuckle, and thank goodness for them. But some punch lines make you stop mid-laugh and actually think.

- By the javna Brothers adapted from the Book

Some jokes just make you chuckle, and thank goodness for them. But some punch lines make you stop mid-laugh and actually think.

1 An elderly woman is watching her grandson play on the beach when a huge wave comes in and sweeps him out to sea. Frantic, she falls down on her knees and pleads, “Please, God, save my only grandchild. Please, I beg you, bring him back.”

Suddenly another wave comes in and delivers the boy onto the beach, as good as new.

The grandmothe­r looks up to heaven and shouts, “He had a hat!” in other words … Don’t be a jerk. A little gratitude goes a long way.

2 Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute, then says, “Well, astronomic­ally, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentiall­y billions of planets. Astrologic­ally, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Meteorolog­ically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologica­lly, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are a small and insignific­ant part of the universe. But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

“Watson, you idiot!” Holmes says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

in other words … Hey, genius: Smarts aren’t always a substitute for common sense.

3 One evening over dinner, a boy asked his father, “Dad, are bugs good to eat?”

“That’s disgusting,” said the father. “You know the rules—we don’t talk about things like that while we’re eating.”

After dinner, the dad asked, “Now, what was it you wanted, son?”

“Oh, never mind, Dad,” the boy said. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”

in other words … If you get stuck on following the rules, you might learn things the hard (and crunchy) way.

4 A doctor walks into the examining room and puts his hand on his patient’s shoulder.

“I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”

“Oh no!” says the patient. “How long do I have to live?”

“Ten,” says the doctor.

“Ten?” cries the panicked patient. “Ten what? Days? Weeks? Months?”

The doctor calmly replies, “Nine ...”

in other words … Life is short—and getting shorter every day. Might as well grab a Krispy Kreme.

5 “See that kid?” a barber says to his customer during a haircut, pointing to a 12-year-old standing outside the barbershop. “He is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch. I’ll prove it to you.” The barber takes out a one-dollar bill and a five-dollar bill, then calls the boy inside. He holds out both bills and asks, “Which one do you want?”

The kid takes the one-dollar bill and leaves the shop.

“See?” the barber says, laughing. “The dumbest kid in the world.”

The customer leaves the barbershop and spots the boy coming out of an ice cream store. He says, “If you don’t mind my asking, son, why didn’t you take the five-dollar bill?”

The boy takes a lick of his ice cream cone and says, “Because the day I choose the five, the game is over.”

in other words …

A fool and his money are soon parted. Just be sure you know which one of you is the fool. 6 It was the morning of Black Friday, and there was a big sale at the electronic­s superstore. People lined up outside at 5 a.m. At about 7:30, there was a huge commotion when a short guy in khaki pants tried working his way to the front of the line. He didn’t get very far before the mob grabbed him, wrestled him out of line, and threw him into the parking lot.

The little guy got up, brushed himself off, and tried again. He was barely able to take another step before an even bigger mob attacked him and threw him out of the line again. Undeterred, the guy got up and started limping toward the front of the line a third time.

“Are you nuts?” asked one of the red-faced mob members. “Don’t you know you’re just gonna get tossed out of line again?”

“Yeah, I know,” the man replied. “But if you don’t let me get to the front of the line, I’ll never be able to open the store.”

in other words …

Your mother was right: Just because everyone else is doing it doesn’t mean you should be too. 7 A man is driving home from work when his wife calls him on his cell phone.

“Phil!” she shouts in a panic, “Please be careful! I just heard that some lunatic is driving the wrong way on Route 80.”

“You won’t believe it, Doris,” he replies. “It’s not just one car; it’s hundreds of them!”

in other words …

Sometimes there is a reason everybody’s doing it one way. (Yes, Mom, we hear you!) 8 After weeks of rain, a town flooded and residents had to be evacuated. At one house, rescue workers found a man standing waistdeep in water. “C’mon! Get in the boat!” the rescuers shouted.

The man shouted back, “No! I have faith in God, and He will save me!”

Soon the floodwater­s chased the man to the second floor. Luckily, though, another boat came by. “Get in the boat!” the rescuers urged.

“No way!” the man said. “I have faith in God, and He will save me!”

The floodwater­s continued to rise, and the man had to climb to the roof of his house. Fortunatel­y, a rescue helicopter came by and dropped a ladder for him. The pilot shouted through a megaphone, “Grab the ladder!”

The man refused. “No! I have faith in God, and He will save me!”

But the floodwater­s rose above the roof. The man was swept away and drowned. When he arrived at the pearly gates, he demanded an audience with God. “God,” he said, “I was certain that you would save me, but you let me die. Why? Why did you abandon me?”

God replied, “What do you mean? I sent you two boats and a helicopter!”

in other words ...

If you hold out for a gift tied up with a bow, you might miss the present right in front of you. 9 A guy takes his date to a dinner at the local country club. It’s an unusual setup: People have to wait in separate lines for each item on the menu.

As his date sits down, the guy volunteers to go get their dinner. First he waits in the line for the roast beef. Then he waits in the line for the potatoes. Then he waits in the vegetable line, the bread line, the salad line, and the gravy line.

Finally he brings back two heaping plates of food. “Are you thirsty?" he asks his date. “What would you like to drink?”

“A glass of punch would be nice,” she says. So the guy goes to get it. He finds a line for wine, a line for beer, a line for soda, and even a line for milk. After considerin­g all his options, he gives up and returns empty-handed.

in other words ...

Sometimes there is no punch line. Know when to walk away. adapted from the book life is a joke, Copyright © 2017 by Gordon and john javna. reprinted with Permission of workman Publishing, workman.com.

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