Laughter, the Best Medicine

“It keeps me from looking at my phone every two seconds.” “I apologize” is the very same as saying “I’m sorry.” Unless you’re at a funeral. —Demetri Martin, comedian

Six quick gags that might take a minute:

✦ I was gonna tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it. ✦ My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas. ✦ Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in sentences often goes undetected.

✦ I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.

✦ If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears, my illegal logging business is a success.

✦ RIP boiling water— you will be mist.

Two old friends, Ned and John, lived for baseball. Then one

day, John died, leaving Ned inconsolable. A few weeks later, Ned heard someone calling his name. He looked up. Standing on a cloud was his old pal.

“Ned,” John called down, “I have good news and bad. The good news is, there’s baseball in heaven!”

“Great,” said Ned. “What’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Sunday.”

—Earl fincher Healdsburg, California

A customer walks into a pet shop and inquires about buying a goldfish.

“Do you need an aquarium?” asks the salesperson.

“No,” says the customer. “I don’t care what sign it is.” —Friarsclub.com Got a funny joke?

It could be worth $$$. For details, go to rd.com/submit.

The priest said to the poor farmer, “If you had a horse, would you give it to the Lord?”

“Yes,” answered the farmer.

“And if you had a cow?” “Absolutely.”

“And a goat?”

“Sure.”

“A pig?”

“That’s not fair!” protested the farmer. “You know I have a pig!” —hayspost.com