Laugh Lines

My husband is so good at home repairs that they have a special VIP area for him in the emergency room. — @Thisonesayz

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks. — @rickolantern

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me —

Movies show people kissing in the rain, but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up. — @Anniemumary

I ordered a bed from IKEA, and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw. — @eileencurtright

Everybody’s a tough guy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes. — @stevevsninjas