Life in These United States

“So here’s the thing, Dan … When a guy eats less than me, it’s a dealbreaker.”

My six-year-old loved his pet fish. He watched and fed it faithfully, morning and night. But one day while he was in school, his fish died, so I flushed it down the toilet. I told him when he got home, and he was inconsolable. Nothing I said helped. After a while, I asked, “Why are you crying so much?”

Arching his back, he shouted, “I wanted to flush!”

—Judith Parnett Pikesville, Maryland

I’m lucky that my wife and mother are very close. I realized just how close the time I drove my mother to her doctor, which my wife usually does. When the doctor came into the room, my own dear mother introduced me as her “daughter-inlaw’s husband.” —Andrew Thompson Lakewood, Ohio

If the power goes out across North America, don’t panic. My wife has enough candles stored away for everyone.

— twitter@squirrel4wkgn

Although I’d been dating a woman for several months, I guess I didn’t know her as well as I thought. One day I called, and her tenyear-old son answered.

“Hi,” I said. “It’s Tom. Can I speak with your mom?”

He responded, “Are you Tom One or Tom Two?”

Needless to say, his mother is now down to one Tom.

—Thomas Falldorf Port St. Lucie, Florida

Every year from when he was age 5 to 12, screenwriter Daniel Stiepleman would receive a copy of the United States Constitution as a gift from his aunt, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

“In my 20s, I thought, Aha! She was teaching me something very important about patriotism and law,” he told the New Yorker. “Now I’m in my 30s and have kids of my own, and I realize, No, she just gets a discount at the Supreme Court gift shop.”

Toddler walks by with a hammer.

Me: What are you going to make? Toddler: Noise. —twitter@iwearaonesie

Got a funny story about friends or family? It could be worth $$$. For details, go to rd.com/submit.

My daughter was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding discouraged. “I don’t think I’ll ever get these flowers planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.” —Doris Grayem Akron, Ohio