Laugh Lines

If I tell you I’m five minutes away and you believe me, that is your own personal problem. —Twitter@heysar4h I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. -Tom Ward, COMEDIAN Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me ... then realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07. - @pembdave “It’s five o’clock somewhere,” I say as I leave work at 9 a.m. —Twitter@michaelsmartguy I just found out my mum didn’t know how to set the clock on her new microwave. So she stayed up until midnight and then plugged it in. Twitter@giftedrascal The worst thing about insomnia is discovering all the new hours of the day that you’re hungry. —Twitter@asiadnyc