LAUGHTER

The best Medicine

As the customer approaches the general store, he notices this large sign on the door: DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! He carefully enters the store, but once inside all he sees is a fat old hound asleep on the floor. “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?” he asks the store owner.

“Yep, that’s him,” the owner says.

“He doesn’t look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?”

“Because,” says the owner, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.” —petcentral.chewy.com

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo? A pouch potato. —Submitted by

Jacob Scholl Winchester, California

Librarian/humorist

Roz Warren took to Facebook to ask her librarian friends a question: If they died and were sent to Hades, which they discovered had just one book available to read, what would it be? Here’s the literature worthy of Satan’s bookshelf:

✦ “The manual to our office phone system.”

✦ “Dante’s Inferno; it

would be like having a Frommer’s guide.”

✦ “The second book in a trilogy.”

✦ “Brimstone for Dummies.”

✦ “My ex’s diary.”

✦ “The Bible, so I could look for loopholes.”

A plumber fixes a leak in a doctor’s house, then bills him for $1,000.

“This is ridiculous!” the doctor says. “I don’t even charge that much.”

The plumber says, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.” —theplumbinginfo.com

An elderly farmer had an old bull that lost its usual desire and no longer went near the cows. The farmer called the vet, who prescribed a pill to stimulate the bull’s interest. A few weeks later, the farmer ran into a friend, who asked, “How’s that bull?”

“Great!” said the farmer. “The bull is back to his former frisky self.”

“That’s fantastic. What miracle drug did the vet prescribe?”

“I don’t know,” said the farmer. “But it tastes like licorice.” —Submitted by

Don Youniss Green Bay, Wisconsin

Thanksgiving jokes to share between courses:

✦ What’s the smallest unit of measurement in the Pilgrim cookbook? A pilgram.

✦ What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-geist.

✦ What kind of tan did Pilgrims get at the beach? A puritan.

My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic. —Submitted by Brad Bridgwater Wichita, Kansas