Life in These United States
in these United States
’Tweets the Night Before Christmas ...
✦ My mom’s angry with me for letting the dogs see their presents before tomorrow morning. Apparently I ruined their Christmas. —twitter@akfarizel
✦ One of my four nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to. —twitter@kendragarden
✦ The older you get, the more holidays become about keeping your father off a ladder. —twitter@shutupmikeginn The young man loading groceries into my car let out a violent sneeze. “Bless you!” I shouted. He leaned in the window, shook his head, and said, “Nah, just doin’ my job. But thanks.” —D.L. via rd.com
At the Christmas Eve
service at my church, the pastor, quizzing some children about the nativity, asked, “What gifts did the three wise men give the Christ child?”
“Gold!” one child yelled.
“Frankincense!” shouted another.
After a pause, a third asked, “Gift cards?” —Alan Shaw Alexandria, Minnesota
I discovered a shortcut today. If you put your Fitbit in the dryer, you can get a head start on your steps. I had
3,800 steps in before I put on my pants! —Katrina Hightower
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Need a star-studded
pet name? Consider these feline monikers, found on the Nationwide Pet Insurance database of insured pets:
✦ Isaac Mewton
✦ Farrah Pawcett
✦ Reese Whiskerspoon
✦ Yoyo Meow
✦ Obi Wan Catnobi
✦ The Great Catsby
✦ Winston Purrchill
✦ Draco Meowfoy
The worst part of stopping during a road trip is knowing all the idiots you’ve passed are once again getting ahead of you.
—twitter@carbosly