Life in These United States
My teenage son and I were discussing dating and relationships. To impress upon him that I had valuable experience to share, I commented, “You know, I’ve been around the barn a few times.”
“Yeah, Mom,” he said, unimpressed,
“but always on the same horse.”
—Nancy West
Jefferson City, Missouri
Times I’ve seen my husband cry:
1. Our wedding.
2. The birth of our children.
3. The time I mowed the grass too short.
— @mommajessiec
I walked into our living room and found our expensive decorative sofa pillow in shreds. I asked my teenage daughter whether she knew which of our three dogs was responsible.
“It was Cotton,” she said.
“How do you know?” “I watched him.” —Tony Bunker
Sautee Nacoochee, Georgia
Sad after the funeral of a friend, my wife and I ducked into a Chinese restaurant for a little Szechuan pick-me-up. The feel-good session ended abruptly when I read the fortune in my cookie: “You will soon be reunited with a good friend.” —Stanley Heerboth League City, Texas
Sometimes I worry that my nine-year-old is too sweet for this world, but recently she looked at my face and said,
Why don’t toasters have a window so you can see how toasted your bread is?
— @jonathanhimple
“I didn’t know you could be old and get a pimple,” so it turns out she’ll be fine. —Jessica Valenti, writer
Daughter (via text): Mom, where are you??
Mom: Leaving Walmart. Halfway home. Why, sweetie?
Daughter: You brought me to Walmart with you ...
Mom: OH, DARN! Be there in a bit! —spotlightstories.co
My aunt was in the hospital for hipreplacement surgery and not happy about having to wear the hospital garb she’d
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been given. So when she was wheeled into surgery, my mother ran out and bought her a nice robe to wear instead. Rather than being thankful, my aunt was appalled.
“You left the hospital while I was in surgery?” she asked. “What would you have done if I had died?”
“I’d have returned the robe,” answered Mom. —Sue Timmons Ashland, Ohio
It really doesn’t feel like September till Macy’s puts their Christmas decorations up. — @Mrgeorge Wallace